TRANSFORMERS 2 : THE COLLEGE YEARS
I hated the first Transformers for many, many reasons but now that movie seems like a fond memory compared to the cinematic explosive diarrhea that is Transformers 2. It's like Michael Bay & Steven Spielberg are the '2 Girls' and special effects studio ILM is the '1 cup' and well, you can imagine the rest of that metaphor. I'm not shocked it made a ton of money, hey I shelled out for it, I also took a 20 minute nap in the middle because my brain was bleeding and I had gone temporarily deaf.
So Shia LaBeouf goes to college and just seems totally annoyed with any Transformer all together, even his homies like Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. So he's off to college and wants to leave all this robot shit behind but his roomie ends up being some conspiracy theory nut and Shia has all these epileptic fits where he does equations in Webdings font. Actually the only part of the movie I liked was the slutty Decepticon chic who tries to seduce and destroy him in his dorm. Outside of that, nothing is creative (wtf was that tribal shit at the beginning???) and I felt like I was watching the first movie all over again because they just rehashed the same boring desert set for the last 45 minutes of the movie. There's also a scene that takes place underneath a Transformer's nutsack, I shit you not. This is surprising since the special effects are such a mess you usually can't ever tell what it is you're looking at. By all means, save 2.5 hours of your life, even Megan Fox running in slow motion isn't worth it.
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UP! = LEAVE AFTER 15 MINUTES!
Fuck Pixar! There, I said it. 'Finding Nemo' is good, 'Wall-E' is cute, everything else they've done is total garbage and y'all keep drinkin' their Kool-Aid like it's the nectar of the Gods. I'm actually proud of Disney for going back and making their new movie with old school hand-drawn animation (but we'll get to that later). Everyone said this movie was the second coming of Christ but I fucking hate balloons, and I hate whimsical flying houses and jolly, fat kids so it just looked like more Pixar garbage to me, and I was 95% right!
You've probably heard it around already, but the first 15 minutes or so of the movie are awesome. Well, it opens with a short film about clouds making baby animals which is really fuckin' cute, and I would have rather seen a whole movie about that instead of the crap-fest that followed. Then the first 15 minutes of 'Up' are so good, everyone in the theater was crying, otherwise you have no human soul and demons should drag you to hell. I wished I was watching a film fest of animated shorts, Pixar should stick with that instead of their feature length bullshit. Everything afterwords was so boring and trite I was praying for it to end. I loved 3D, I saw it in 3D, it still sucked. Sure it's predictable, you might smirk here and there, but the journey isn't even fun. Why do you people like this shit? Are you the same people who think Transformers is better than The Dark Knight?! What is wrong with you?!
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BRUNO = IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY!!!
Any and every Bruno segment of 'Da Ali G Show' is way more entertaining than this movie. I had high hopes for this one since 'Borat' was hilarious and this seemed like an even easier prank to pull on the simpletons of middle America. I was wrong. I was worried the satyr of the whole character would be lost on most people, given that fag-bashing is right up there with baseball as one of America's favorite pastimes, but thankfully the majority of that was saved for the grand finale scene. Even so, I couldn't help but feel the same idiots who think 'Transformers' is amazing would think 'Bruno' is hilarious, simply based on the universal hilarity of queer jokes alone.
Oddly enough, they included a scene where an 'ex-gay' converter starts bashing women for being so annoying which, in my opinion, while discrediting himself he actually made the character of Bruno and his scheme even more relatable to the straight, breeding masses in the audience. Lots of women stopped laughing and started gasping. If his opinions are so outlandish towards hetero women, then what makes his opinion of gay men any more credible??? That might be the only redeeming part of this movie. Sure, Bruno has funny, crude, in-your-face setups but they come off as awkward and unsettling (especially the baby casting calls with parents and the swingers party). The best material is in the trailers so don't hold your breath for anything better. Also, an 8 year old boy and his mother sat next to me, which made everything more awkward. She tried covering his eyes for the first few scandalous scenes, but after realizing the whole movie would only get worse (duh) she gave up and let him watch the rest. And the 'Mother of the Year' award goes too...
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HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-ASSED PLOT
So Warner Brothers makes us wait a year and a half for this movie because they were afraid 'Twilight' would steal it's pre-pubescent, tweenage girl thunder and they wanted a big summer opening? I bought advanced tix, waited in line for a midnight showing and all I got was some lame-ass transition movie where nothing happens and it's all just tween romance drama and set-up for the final films, in the next 2 to 3 years?!?!
This movie was just an extended, supernatural episode of 'Gossip Girl'. It's all high school romance, whimsical flirty bullshit and NOTHING HAPPENS! The movie is almost 3 hours long and all you get is some coy he said/ she said nonsense and that's it. I waited in a crazy ass line full of nerds wearing wizard hats and capes and shit but I would have stayed there to take pictures of them rather than roll my eyes for 3 hours at this craptastic excuse for a summer movie. It's all transition exposition, no magic, no effects except some smokey shit, and that's all. Even my friends who love this book the most in the series were disappointed. Rent it, skip it, or just read it and wait for the final 2 films.
P.S. Every summer movie has sucked so far. Will 'The Hurt Locker' be my favorite?
