REVIEWS: TERMINATOR SALVATION, DRAG ME TO HELL

TERMINATOR SALVATION = SPECIAL EFFECTS SALIVATION, CONFUSING PLOT NO EXPLANATION

(I just felt like making a gay Terminator, since they are from San Francisco)
I really wanted this to be my summer jam. I don't hate McG as much as everyone else does. Sure he's a douche, but at least he's a fun douche. I was all up in Charlie's Angels 1 & 2, and The OC series, but had little faith he could pull off a Terminator. Unfortunately the best action scene of the movie takes place in the first 5 minutes. Sure the effects and new robots were new and fun, but I still felt the coolest scene was watching that terminator torso relentlessly come after Christian Bale in the beginning. That is what the whole movie should have been like, that scene is the essence of Terminator in general. Salvation is kind of like Mad Max meets Saving Private Ryan which could have worked, but instead it gets lost in this Back 2 The Future plot that is confusing as hell and long boring scenes of different characters trying to explain said plot. This brings the pacing of the would-be fast action blockbuster to a screeching halt. Basically as soon as my new least-favorite actor, Anton Yelchin, and his futuristic Rudy Huxtable sidekick show up on screen, feel free to go to the bathroom, take a massive shazz, get a snack, check your voicemail, twitter your mom, whatever you want cuz nothing will happen for a solid while.

SPOILERS & SPECIFICS BELOW...
I've seen every Terminator movie multiple times and I got totally lost during this one. Was that old silver-haired lady who lived at the gas station supposed to be John Connor's mom? Why doesn't Christian Bale go back in time and learn how to fly a frickin' helicopter?! He crashes two of them in this movie (not sure about the third one he's riding away on at the end while detonating San Francisco)? Why is Common in this movie at all? Why is Helena Bonham Carter in this movie at all, and if she knows to go back in time to develop this technology, why doesn't she know that it will ultimately destroy Skynet? Why does the advanced intelligent Skynet company leave super-sensitive nuclear Terminator batteries just sitting on a tray in the middle of the Skynet factory? Chillin out in the open? Why is Arnold's cgi Mr. Universe body in this movie...in a green speedo? And for the love of God, can someone from Crafts services get Christian Bale a God damn cup of hot chamomile tea with lemon?! or some Throat-coat or a frickin' Ricola?! I thought he was just talkin' all raspy-ass for The Dark Knight but I guess that's his new 'thing'.

Anyway, I'm all about suspending my belief for the sake of a sci-fi action movie but at least follow your own rules if you're gonna expect anyone to keep up, or care.
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DRAG ME TO HELL...AND BACK! THIS MOVIE RULES!!!

In an age when the horror genre is only about rape, torture, and mutilation it's perfect timing for Ram Raimi to swoop down and remind everyone how it's really done. If you're a fan of the Evil Dead series, you won't be disappointed. This movie is the most scary, hilarious, amazing, retarded fun all in one movie I've seen in a long time. When the entire theater is screaming and laughing and covering their eyes all at the same time, you know it's worth the $10. It's got a great, simple plot about a bank loan officer who denies this disgusting old gypsy bitch and extension on her home loan and ends up getting cursed to go to hell because of it. It's got it's fingers on the pulse of our modern economic times! Everything that ensues afterwards is classic Raimi horror mixed with humor mixed with absurd gore and hilarious one-liners. I loved every minute of it...ehhh, up until the half-way mark where it does slow down and they seem to overdo-it with the blowing drapes and whispery scenes which lead to nothing. And the main seance scene kinda jumps the shark but I let it slide because the rest was so entertaining. I wish it ended as strong as it started but being a big Evil Dead fan I was definitely satisfied. Plus it all takes place in Silverlake and Echo Park which is funny to see familiar hipster places as the backdrop.

And I find it particularly funny as I have encountered many an old gypsy bitch like this, either 'working' at Zankou Chicken, chain smoking outside my old building, or cutting in line at the 99 cent store, and I felt like they had dragged me to hell every time I walked outside. I'm sure one or more of them cursed me, given my current circumstances. So ya never know who you're screamin at. But I did help some gypsy twins find a dvd they were obsessed with at Amoeba once and they did a crazy belly dance celebration and left, so maybe I have their blessing on my side as well.

SUMMER MOVIE REVIEWS: STAR TREK, ANGELS & DEMONS

STAR TREK = TOP GUN + NERDS vs. FRATS + BACK 2 THE FUTURE PART 2

Star Date: Last Monday, Afternoonish
I am not a Trekkie, I don't care about Klingons and shit, but this was a fun. Yeah, it's flawed, but all in all they found a good balance between pleasing the hardcore Trekkies & keeping the general masses entertained.
>>> SPECIFICS & SPOILERS AHEAD <<<
Thank God I saw this twice because after the first time I had no idea what the 'Back 2 The Future' alternate future plot was all about. It's still kinda blurry but I get the gist of it. It's also totally Top Gun-ish cuz Kirk is this bad boy maverick pilot who breaks all the rules and gets all the ladies (even the green ones); Joyriding, drinking, Beastie Boys, motorcycles, barroom brawls, leather jackets, etc. I like that they made Spock a total badass too, and he has a thang for chocolate sistas, but I could not get past the fact that he would have a smooth, cherub alien baby face in one shot, then total grizzly 5 o'clock shadow in the next! Either vulcan's have crazy hormones or Zach Quinto is a total otter (gay term for slim hairy dudes, like 'bear' but skinny).

Kirk & Spock form a lifelong bromance here, so do Kirk & Bones, so do Kirk & the original Enterprise captain he saves, and maybe Eric Bana's alien character secretly loves Kirk too...lots of m4m action goin on, but hey, what happens in an alternate future black hole, STAYS in an alternate future black hole.

Speaking of alternate future black holes...Tyler Perry cameo? NOT in zany-old-black-lady drag??? Most people didn't recognize him but I sure as hell did cuz I see all his movies. Along with alternate future grandma Winona Ryder? Big ups to J.J. Abrams for the random casting, but he also loses points for Simon Pegg and his nubby-eyed alien sidekick. British people are NOT funny! Simon Pegg, Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand, Monty Python? Y'all are being duped! You need some real American comedy like Larry the Cable Guy, Lisa Lampenelli and Jeff Foxworthy. Git-R-Done!

Mad props to the Starfleet Federation for being an equal opportunity employer. There have been many races (fictional and real) represented throughout the franchise, from Whoopi Goldberg to Lavar Burton. Unfortunately, the new school Uhura, played by Zoe Saldana from 'Center Stage' and 'Crossroads', gets upstaged by her Tyra-esque ponytail weave in almost every scene, being whipped around like a magical dragon tail! Sidebar: I loved how Kirk gets exiled to an arctic planet, climbs out of an ice crater in a blizzard, and just stands there wearing some destressed jeans and a fitted sweater looking like a Diesel ad.

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ANGELS & DEMONS = 3 HAIL MARYS

This was like the film equivalent of Kurt Warner throwing a last minute hail mary pass to win the Super Bowl: FAIL! I haven't read the books but I thought The Da Vinci Code was way better. Angels & Demons has a cool premise but rushes to a retarded ending that is so rediculous you can't help but laugh and not care who wins. Nobody told me Ewan McGregor was in it, so I was already annoyed as soon as his soulless lizard-man eyes appeared on screen (not a fan). I love Illuminati conspiracy theories, but this story goes beyond 'what if' into a magical fantasy land with scenes where you can feel the audience collectively roll their eyes and give up. It's not like Jesus himself shows up and walks on water and shoots lasers out of his eyes, but it's enough to make you forget the 'Se7en' kinda journey and leave a bad taste in your mouth. Don't even get me started on the absurd CGI interior Vatican scenes that look so fake I would be less shocked to see Gollum waiting in line at Starbucks.

M83 vs. ANTM

I don't think you have to be a fan of either M83 or America's Next Top Model to appreciate this fan made music video, but if you ARE a fan of both then it's awesome. The song carries it of course, this cycle of ANTM was noteworthy (feat. McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, Clark, Elina and Isis the tranny!), and the editing is surprisingly good. It all fits together and even feels sorta nostalgic?

MOVIE REVIEWS: Obsessed, Wolverine, The Wackness, Synechdoche NY, The Visitor etc.

Obsessed = Fatal Attraction + The Temp + booorrring

I had such high camp hopes for Obsessed when I hyped the trailer months ago but it was a total let down. Aside from a fight scene and funny line here and there, it is mostly Ali Larter being a sexy psycho getting tips from the resident office gossip, the gay receptionist, and countless random shots of Beyonce staring out of windows while a Sia song is playing. As expected, the entire movie is in the trailer so no surprises here. Beyonce's character was just annoying, probably cuz Beyonce only played a one-note ABW (angry black woman), but to be fair, that's all she was given. So I had to research the writer of this movie, David Loughery, wrote "Lakeview Terrace" ", "Money Train" and "Passenger 57"...but also "The 3 Musketeers", "Star Trek V" and an episode of the 80's TV show "Hart to Hart"??? What kind of resume is that? Who are you David Loughery?

X-MEN Origins: Wolverine = Made me want to do this...

X-Men...stick a fork in it, it's done. X-Men 3 sucked so hard I wasn't expecting much from Wolverine. Granted I watched it online, without finalized special effects, but it still sucked. I'm officially done with X-Men movies. 1 was ok, 2 was the best, 3 was God-aweful, and this spin-off was the last nail in the coffin. Goodbye X-Men movies, farewell Halle Berry's white wig and white eyes, so long Rebecca Romeijn's naked, blue, scaley body, this franchise is dead.

The Wackness = The Wiggerness

Yo, yo, yo! What is crack-a-lacking my homies? 1994 is the bomb.
I thought this movie looked retarded and guess what, it is. It's like a white Jew from NYC saw the movie 'Kids' and heard a Notorius B.I.G. song and decided to make those his new lifestyle. (You know he was really just sitting at home watching Party of 5 and listening to Counting Crows). Since idiots believe every piece of pigeon shit in New York is the coolest thing in the world, cuz it's from New York, he wrote a screenplay about himself 10 years later, cuz drugs are sooo urban, and he's so prolific, throw in an Olson twin and an oddly proportioned Ben Kingsley in a tiny hat, and cast a dopey-Disney-channel-tween-star-trying-to-be-edgy as himself and presto...The Wiggerness! We're really supposed to believe some slow white stoner sold a ton of weed out of an ice cream cart in the middle of NYC and the cops were none the wiser? and he never got jumped? and Method Man is his Jamaican dealer? This movie is the definition of TRYING WAY TOO HARD, and failing.

Synecdoche, New York = ???
This movie just screamed 'I'm crazy and totally self-indulgent, please look at meeee, pay attention to meeee!', but then I realized that's also kind of the point. The dude spends his life, making a massive play about his life that never gets performed because he keeps adding everything from his life to the play, so it just goes in circles for years until you're exhausted and want to die. I liked the themes throughout the film, that life is fleeting and everyone is the star of their own life, and it's similar to David Lynch's "Inland Empire" where the lines between real life and performance get blurred, but I'm still not sure how to pronounce the damn title so I can't say much more, except the end credits song "Little Person" was my favorite part. It's on itunes and it's great.


The Visitor = Asshole businessman feels empty inside, discovers inner-city drum circles, becomes slightly enlightened, starts questioning American immigration policy. It was like 'Crash' meets 'Rent' meets Burning Man, meets me pressing the 'eject disc' button after 20 minutes.


Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys = Not as racist as the poster???

Hmmmm...this should have been the poster for "Obsessed" as there is an actual choking fight scene in that movie, but this movie is just about prejudice and money and Christian morals and the usual Tyler Perry preachy bullshit.

Who Knew Julia Roberts Was So Fucking Funny?!

I guess the role of Erin Brockavich wasn't that much of stretch for her after all. Or it just rubbed off on her a little. Come to think of it, there's been a few paparazzi videos of her swearing like a sailor too lately, so maybe this is the new Julia post-motherhood. When this story made the rounds online everyone made it sound like she was wasted and it was embarrassing, but in this clip she just seems buzzed and like she doesn't give a fuck and the crowd loves it and it's hilarious.
AUDIO is NSFW! lotta f bombs, just fyi.