(I just felt like making a gay Terminator, since they are from San Francisco)
I really wanted this to be my summer jam. I don't hate McG as much as everyone else does. Sure he's a douche, but at least he's a fun douche. I was all up in Charlie's Angels 1 & 2, and The OC series, but had little faith he could pull off a Terminator. Unfortunately the best action scene of the movie takes place in the first 5 minutes. Sure the effects and new robots were new and fun, but I still felt the coolest scene was watching that terminator torso relentlessly come after Christian Bale in the beginning. That is what the whole movie should have been like, that scene is the essence of Terminator in general. Salvation is kind of like Mad Max meets Saving Private Ryan which could have worked, but instead it gets lost in this Back 2 The Future plot that is confusing as hell and long boring scenes of different characters trying to explain said plot. This brings the pacing of the would-be fast action blockbuster to a screeching halt. Basically as soon as my new least-favorite actor, Anton Yelchin, and his futuristic Rudy Huxtable sidekick show up on screen, feel free to go to the bathroom, take a massive shazz, get a snack, check your voicemail, twitter your mom, whatever you want cuz nothing will happen for a solid while.
SPOILERS & SPECIFICS BELOW...
I've seen every Terminator movie multiple times and I got totally lost during this one. Was that old silver-haired lady who lived at the gas station supposed to be John Connor's mom? Why doesn't Christian Bale go back in time and learn how to fly a frickin' helicopter?! He crashes two of them in this movie (not sure about the third one he's riding away on at the end while detonating San Francisco)? Why is Common in this movie at all? Why is Helena Bonham Carter in this movie at all, and if she knows to go back in time to develop this technology, why doesn't she know that it will ultimately destroy Skynet? Why does the advanced intelligent Skynet company leave super-sensitive nuclear Terminator batteries just sitting on a tray in the middle of the Skynet factory? Chillin out in the open? Why is Arnold's cgi Mr. Universe body in this movie...in a green speedo? And for the love of God, can someone from Crafts services get Christian Bale a God damn cup of hot chamomile tea with lemon?! or some Throat-coat or a frickin' Ricola?! I thought he was just talkin' all raspy-ass for The Dark Knight but I guess that's his new 'thing'.
Anyway, I'm all about suspending my belief for the sake of a sci-fi action movie but at least follow your own rules if you're gonna expect anyone to keep up, or care.
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DRAG ME TO HELL...AND BACK! THIS MOVIE RULES!!!
In an age when the horror genre is only about rape, torture, and mutilation it's perfect timing for Ram Raimi to swoop down and remind everyone how it's really done. If you're a fan of the Evil Dead series, you won't be disappointed. This movie is the most scary, hilarious, amazing, retarded fun all in one movie I've seen in a long time. When the entire theater is screaming and laughing and covering their eyes all at the same time, you know it's worth the $10. It's got a great, simple plot about a bank loan officer who denies this disgusting old gypsy bitch and extension on her home loan and ends up getting cursed to go to hell because of it. It's got it's fingers on the pulse of our modern economic times! Everything that ensues afterwards is classic Raimi horror mixed with humor mixed with absurd gore and hilarious one-liners. I loved every minute of it...ehhh, up until the half-way mark where it does slow down and they seem to overdo-it with the blowing drapes and whispery scenes which lead to nothing. And the main seance scene kinda jumps the shark but I let it slide because the rest was so entertaining. I wish it ended as strong as it started but being a big Evil Dead fan I was definitely satisfied. Plus it all takes place in Silverlake and Echo Park which is funny to see familiar hipster places as the backdrop.
And I find it particularly funny as I have encountered many an old gypsy bitch like this, either 'working' at Zankou Chicken, chain smoking outside my old building, or cutting in line at the 99 cent store, and I felt like they had dragged me to hell every time I walked outside. I'm sure one or more of them cursed me, given my current circumstances. So ya never know who you're screamin at. But I did help some gypsy twins find a dvd they were obsessed with at Amoeba once and they did a crazy belly dance celebration and left, so maybe I have their blessing on my side as well.
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