Hey everyone, it's pandemic time! The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this is just another government ploy to divert attention away from the economy, give a boost in productivity for pharmecutical companies, and as usual keep America scared. Or could this be 'The Big One' scientists have warned about for years? Whatever it is it just feels like the 3rd installment of some bad horror trilogy on the Sci-Fi network. First was "Sars" in 2003?, then "Bird Flu" in 2005?, now the final chapter of biohazard horror trilogy... "Just when you thought it was safe to eat bacon: Pig Flu!"
It's a scary thought, 28 Days Later and shit like that coming true, but given the previous pandemic track record, and the fact that all of them combined are nothing compared to AIDS and Malaria, you can't help but question the media hype. People started wearing masks around town when Bird Flu was all the rage, and now it's a song by M.I.A. so what do they expect us to do? All I can think about is, if/when Pig Flu sweeps the nation, will it feel like this???....
GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST = GHOSTS OF MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S CAREER
Yet another actor who's made a career playing one character, himself, in every film. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Failure To Launch, Fools Gold, The Wedding Planner, etc. Now all of those movies have joined forces with the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, to bring you the ultimate holiday rom-com mashup explosion, which nobody will see except me and some 15 year old girls.
THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS = Gremlins + The Three Stooges + The Matrix + ?
I think this was supposed to be straight to dvd, but might get a summer theatrical release? Shit, I hope not. The original trailer gave a release date in February but now it says July. It's basically Gremlins but more zany slapstick crap, all cgi creatures, and some stupid Matrix-style action. Starring Ashley 'Nosejob' Jizzdale from High School Musical and the hot guy from You Got Served and Step Up 2 and the grandma from...everything (Everyone Loves Raymond, Grandma's Boy, Christmas Vacation, etc), has she been 72 for 15 years?!
SHORTS = Bedtime Stories for cool kids?
Leave it to Robert Rodriguez to still be the only guy in Hollywood coming up with fun, funny, creative movies for kids. He can go back and forth from Sin City and From Dusk Til Dawn to Spy Kids and Sharkboy & Lavagirl (in 3D, before 3D was cool again). Now he's got 'Shorts' which is similar to a 'wishes coming true and going crazy' premise like Disney's Adam Sandler family crapfest from last Christmas, Bedtime Stories, but looks cooler. C'mon, he uses 'Kickstart My Heart' by Motley Crue in the trailer, SOLD!
THE HURT LOCKER = a middle east war movie that actually looks good?
This won some festival award, and is directed by Kathryn Bigelow (Strange Days, Point Break, Near Dark) and it looks rad. I know, I know, another 'soldiers in Iraq' movie, lots of dirt, beige fatigues, sweaty dramatic scenes where the down-home country American soldier has to decide weather to save a soldier or an Iraqi baby, shit like that, but this looks better. Give the trailer a chance.
THE DESCENT 2 = Why are you going back in the cave full of monsters you dumbass!?!
A sketchy follow up to the sleeper horror hit from a few years ago. I like when sequels pick up right where the original left off, but this trailer makes it look like a fan-made Sci-Fi Channel sequel on a fraction of the budget. It even looks like they used some leftover stock footage from the original...? Recession editing? So my expectations are pretty low, but I will give it a chance.
PAPER HEARTS = cute barf
If you told me the idea of this movie, I would have said "Nick & Nora part 2? hell naaww." But this trailer actually looks pretty damn cute. I'm not into Michael Cera playing himself in every movie ever, always wearing the same hoodie in various colors. He looks like a baby vampire and I'm over it. If it weren't for the asian girl, I would probably hate this movie. Somewhere, buried deep within my rotten, boozey shell...there might be a heart, a tiny Grinch heart that palpitates, but it's there somewhere.
Ok, ok, one last good one then I'm done... DRAG ME TO HELL = HELLZ JEEEAAHH!!!
Sam Raimi finally took a break from that Spiderman waste of time to get back to his horror roots and kick out this movie which looks awesome! Some old gypsy can't get a home loan at the bank so she curses the bank lady and proceeds to scare the shit out of her before she 'drags her to hell'. It's kind of like that Stephen King movie 'Thinner' except updated to reflect the financial struggles of modern day gypsies, like mortgage payments and home foreclosures and hygiene.
