REVIEWS: Towelhead vs Baghead, The Last House on the Left, Doomsday, Get Smart, Let the Right One In

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Spoilers ahead, but nothin good, just FYI

Towelhead is about an arab teenage girl, coming of age in suburban America.
Baghead is about 4 horny indie filmmakers, getting drunk in a cabin in the woods.

Towelhead is a reference to a racial slur directed towards Mid-Eastern peoples.
Baghead is a reference to a mysterious stalker with a paper bag on his head.

Towelhead is basically a post-9/11 American Beauty.
Baghead is basically a post-Punk'd Blair Witch Project.

Towelhead has a budget, and Aaron Eckhart as an army vet/pedo (hey, Alan Ball, why do all your characters live next to a crazy army vet?)
Baghead doesn't have a budget, and some guy named Ross Partridge with Elvis hair who would make a great neighbor.

Towelhead = 3 towels
Baghead = 2.5 bags

The Last House On The Left = Are you fucking kidding me?!

I know it's a remake from an older version, but still, what's the point? Do you want to pay $10 to snuggle with your girlfriend/boyfriend and watch a bunch of meth-heads rape the shit out of some teenage girls and kill them? No thanks. Why is this even relevant? Sure it just makes the parental revenge scenes that much more dramatic but who wants to watch any of this shit in the first place? I only watched it cuz I liked the 'Sweet Child O Mine' cover in the trailer, but I am really disturbed that this is now standard 'horror movie' material for the next gen kids. Where my Gremlins at?

Doomsday = 2 exploding heads

This is just Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 2009.
And I can't get past the fact that the main chic is clearly Kate Beckinsale's long lost twin, also related to Bush twin Barbera, and Maura Tierney from E.R.
Seriously, are these all the same actress? or do they all have the same agent? or same plastic surgeon?

This movie was some Scottish person's faux remake of a Mad Max film with exploding rabbits and Saw-ish gore. Yaaawwwwn-fest.


Get Smart = ???
I don't remember much. It wasn't as bad as the new Steve Martin Pink Panther movies, but it wasn't much better either. If you're 9 you might love it. Sorry, watching The Rock and Steve Carell make out is neither sexy, funny or anything but awkward and a desperate, failed attempt at man-on-man humor.

Let The Right One In = 4 dead Swedish peoples

Finally, a decent vampire flick! Fuck Twilight, fuck Lost Boys 2, this is legit vampire material.
It's Sweden, it's the 80's, it's rad. These kids are neighbors, homies, ride or die. The girl is a vampire but looks out for her bff, this aryan kid who gets picked on relentlessly by some lesbian and her crew. It's creepy and stylish and awesome and apparently getting an American remake coming soon, and sure to suck. Probably starring Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens. So see the original before they turn it into Teen Wolf 2009 The Musical!

animated gif's courtesy of http://fourfour.typepad.com/

REVIEW: WATCHMEN = 3.5 Blueballs

Not really spoilers ahead, just specifics.

I know, I know, Dr. Manhattan's nudity has been discussed to death, but I just saw this movie so my turn! Besides, it's just Lawnmower Man 1992 'virtual reality' kind of nudity anyway. I still liked that he replicated himself during his sex scene resulting in a Blue Man Group 4 way. Apparently, the Blue Man Group guys jizz in neon colors (see photo above), poor girl must look like Jackson Pollack afterwards.

Anyway, I had no prior knowledge of the Watchmen and the trailer looked like it was for "Beyond the Mind's Eye 5", those 90's trippy computer animation clips that were just glorified screensavers. And the near 3 hour runtime also scared me, but if I could sit through Australia, I could definitely make it through Watchmen. My favorite part of the entire thing was actually the opening credits sequence. I fucking hate Bob Dylan, and yeah it was all really Forrest Gump-esque, but that lesbian kiss/murder scene blew my mind. The character is Silhouette and they don't show her for the rest of the movie! I want a whole spinoff movie just about her!

Also, nobody told me 2-time MVP, Phoenix Suns All-star Steve Nash played Rorschach, the dude with the changing inkblot mask who can seriously fuck you up in prison, or anywhere. I had to look him up on imdb.com to make sure they weren't brothers cuz that is some uncanny shit! Maybe their mother's had the same milkman, something.

The dudes in the lobby afterwards confirmed my observations, this movie doesn't have much action, but the action it does have is very brutal.

Siderbar: I don't care what you indie rock music elitist assholes say, the music in this movie ruled! Bob Dylan and that Janis Joplin song aside, I liked the rest of it. It was really dated obvious pop in your face things like "99 Luft Balloons" by that German chic, and "Boogie Man" by K.C. & the Sunshine Band during a street riot and Hendrix, Nat King Cole, Simon & Garfunkel and Leonard Cohen. But also the subtle cues like the Musak instrumental of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" in the background of the scene where all the press are interviewing Ozymandias. Just cuz someone uses pop music, doesn't mean they don't know of anything else. If you did an all indie obscure soundtrack for a movie everyone would think you are choosing unknown acts just for that reason alone, same rational, so go fuck yourself.

Speaking of Ozymandias. He's the gay Donald Trump...right? They show him hitting up Studio 54 in the intro with David Bowie and Mick Jagger, and he's this skinny, blonde, metro-looking billionaire with a giant purple Egyptian tiger pet thing ala Sigfried & Roy. Also he references his idol, Alexander the Great, gaaaaaaaaaay. Not sure if they touch on that in the graphic novel but it's spelled out all over the screen. Here is some random fan art I found regarding the subject...

Watchmen is not your typical superhero movie at all, which is probably why I got hooked. There is a lot more focus on complex character development rather than blow-em-up action scenes. From someone who knew nothing about it, and didn't even want to see it, I ending up loving it for all it's tongue in cheek humor, brutally violent action, mentally disturbed Forrest Gumpish awesomeness.