LAST WEEKS NEWS....waaa-waaa

I had to work 6 days in a row then went to Vegas for 3 days, no time to blog, sue me. I am officially pissed I missed the boat on the whole America's Next Top Model audition riot in NYC but that ship has sailed. I still haven't had a chance to see Watchmen, or any other movies for that matter, so no reviews either. All I got is my own personal recap of the Sesame Street employee layoffs. Again, I tried to get this out last week but I was overbooked and spent too long editing the pics and making the ultimate Vegas playlist, I didn't have time for content, so here it is now if you care.

WHAT IF THEY WERE LAID OFF FROM SESAME STREET...

ELMO: WILL LET YOU TICKLE FOR FOOD

Joining the likes of 'Homeless Jack Sparrow' and 'Superman-that-needs-a-dentist", a mangy Elmo finds himself trying to revive his 'tickle-me' fame on Hollywood Blvd. Failing to realize how much tickle-me competition there is in Hollywood, he soon finds himself in the valley, doing tickle fetish porn for Vivid. Welcome to the jungle, Elmo, it's gonna bring you dooowwwn, HUUUUGHHH!!!

COUNT VON COUNT: COUNTS 1 through 11, GUILTY! AH AH AH

Oddly they look alike and are both evil and good with numbers.
P.S. how has he not 'accidentally' fallen out of his penthouse window yet???

BERT & ERNIE: THE OBVIOUS

Old joke, too easy.

BIG BIRD: D.O.A.!!?!

He was the STAAARRRR! He had it all; money, power, fame, glory,...bird flu! His shameful, provacative taste for young Malaysian goslings finally caught up with him. After getting canned from Sesame he went on a 4 day bender and was found like this on the 3rd St. Promenade in front of an A&F store. Hollywood will eat you alive,... or sunny-side-up. (insert overly dramatic CSI intro here).

COOKIE MONSTER: THE BIGGEST LOSER

Once revered for his compulsive cookie-eating habits, Cookie Monster soon became the poster child for the 'Stop Eating Your Feelings' campaign against childhood obesity. With this new, unflattering title, CM tried marketing himself through every diet plan gimmick on tv but the only one that really worked? Crystal, meth, tina, tweek, glass, speed, crank, and my fave according to the internets 'jib nugget'. CM was so caught up in the now floundering, watered-down, 15-years-late rave scene he lost all weight-loss endorsement deals and now just deals jib-nugget to Mexicans in Chino.

MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS: PRINCESS HOARD-A-LOT-A-STUFFS

The only way Snuffy knew how to cope after losing his job, as the original 'Debbie Downer' of daytime television, was to sit at home, take in 13 stray cats, stop bathing, become a princess, and spend his royalties on all kinds of useless garbage!

TOKEN PUERTO RICAN: STILL TOKEN PUERTO RICAN (Alien Gonzalez???)

I don't know who this dude is, but he always showed up with something to say. He was the kid on the street, and in NYC, the 'kid on the street' is most likely Puerto Rican so they made a muppet out of him. Now he is totally into futball, Rosie Perez, J.Lo, dry American land, and famed rapper Pitbull! Calle Ocho!!!

OSCAR THE GROUCH: BOOOOYAAAAHHH!!!
SERENITY NOW!!! Oscar finally gets to shove it in the face of all his happy-go-lucky co-stars! Welcome to my trashcan bitches! I'ma livin' in a box,...i'ma livin in a cardboard box. Best song everrrrr! Nobody else in the 80's made a dance song about homeless people's houses, it's fucking prolific! If you know me, you know I love this song to death and I know all the lyrics. Now I will pay it forward and share my joy with you and yours...so next time you're stuck on whatever street and you see them out there, just pump this jam and watch a depressing slum turn into a Janet Jackson dance video out of nowhere, I honestly love this song.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH RECAP: PARTY OVER

Dang y'all! This month started out as the jump off with Obama and stuff but now it's like someone just turned the lights on at the Century Club at 2am and things aren't lookin' so good. It wasn't all bad, some highs, some lows, where to begin...

THE OSCARS = BLACKOUT!
As far as the acting awards there was only 1 Nubian princess, Taraji P. Henson, and 1 African queen, Viola Davis, both nominated for Best Supporting Actress for two seperate films (neither of which was a Tyler Perry movie!) and they both lost. And just to pour salt in the wound, Marisa Tomei nominated for playing our favorite 'stripper with a heart of gold' in The Wrestler lost as well! Annnnd...just to squeeze lemon juice over the salt in the wound, Robert Downey Jr. also lost for Best Supporting Actor as a white man in black face for Tropic Thunder. Don't get me wrong, I thought Halle Berry was great in Monster's Ball but I really was rooting for Taraji in Benji Buttons, she was awesome. I didn't see Doubt cuz it looks boring. Either way, both of these ladies are livin' it up cuz they look great and one played opposite Meryl Streep and the other opposite Brad Pitt in nominated rolls so move over Halle, you got some new competish in town and they aren't just R'n'B crossover stars anymore. Speaking of which, R.I.P. Aaliyah, you've been all over my ipod lately and I miss you baby girl.

TOP CHEF = HOOOOOTY (BOO) HOOOOOOO!!!!
CARLA WAS ROBBED! SABOTAGED BY WHITE DEVIL, CASEY!!!(i love the gif, got it from dlisted who got it from mattchew, whoever you are, i love you)


White devil told her to cook that meat in a bag and do a souffle instead of a tart, and frazzled Carla decided to take orders instead of give them, resulting in her upsetting loss. I was an instant Hooty fan from episode one but didn't get attached cuz I was sure she would be gone by episode 5. Little did I know. In the finale, when Carla cried, I cried. She made her food with love, whenever all the other chefs are just chainsmoking cokeheads with faux-hawks. Carla Hall is an inspiration. I cried HOOOTY HOOO to the moon that night and only heard my tears hitting the ground in response. le sigh. If you don't know, now ya know, i've been callin hooty since I saw this, and Wendi is my hoo.


SIDEBAR: Where the hell is the Wendy Williams tv talk show at?
It was a 6 week sneak peek in 4 cities and it was like Tyra meets Chelsea Lately meets some of the View in a dark alley full of trannies. If you know Wendy's radio show, you know her history, if not, youtube her interview with Whitney Houston, Superhead, or anyone else for that matter. This was the highlight catfight of her daytime talkshow and it's pretty good, started off fake and catty then they both turned on the 'bitch switch' tryin to call out eachother's plastic surgery. Just askin Wendy, it's March '09, where you at?!


UNBE-WEAVE-ABLE!!!
Homegirl has been wearing this brassy-ass weave 'for years' and invested a lot of money in it. Well, good investment girl cuz it just saved your brain from a bullet. Her ex-boo tried to shoot her in the head but her weave was all "helllll naaaawwwhhh" and caught that shit! Briana, you need to give your hairdresser a huuuge tip. P.S. I think we drive the same car.



DMX + Arizona = Jail time in 'Tent City' in a Pink-Pajammy-Jammy-Jam!
Sounds like a gay, down-low-thug slumber party but it's actually how our jails roll here in the wild west. You gotta wear pink, and live in a tent in the middle of hot-ass-nowhere-desert with a bunch of other assholes and meth-heads. Poor DMX (Earl Simmons) didn't know these things when he decided to go 100 mph down the freeway in his sunshine yellow 1966 Chevy Nova II with his frickin' name as a windshield decal! In Phoenix, we have photo-radar cameras everywhere, not just red lights. I'm talkin freeways, crosswalks, side-streets with bushes all around 'em, everywhere, it's total bullshit. What I love about the pic above is that I drive by that damn camera, twice a day to and from work, it's right by my house and having his name on his car means he can't contest that at all.

Anyway, I guess he skipped out on court appearances so he's still chillin in a tent some miles away throwing food at guards and actin' a fool up in there. Our Sheriff is Joe Arpaio, so notorious he now has a reality show on the Fox Reality channel that's like Punk'd but instead of high-fiving Ashton Kutcher at the end, you get cuffed and thrown in jail by a douche in a trucker hat. The local news visited him for an interview which is actually pretty interesting cuz he understands Arizona's beauty, which is why he was hangin here callin' it God's country, but then had a run in with the devil. Oh, and now he wants to become a preacher, the gospel according to X, can't wait for THAT album to drop.

And if you're still remotely interested, here is an episode of "Surprise...You're Under Arrest!" in which they convince wanted criminals they will receive $300 if they show up to walk in a 'fashion show', wearing striped prison uniforms, then they get arrested. Duuuuurrrrrrr....


I know there's other stuff to report on, like Taj from SWV on Survivor this season, or 'Medea Goes To Jail' makin a jillion dollars and Rihanna spotted seeing it with friends, and speculation over Michael Jackson dying or swelling or whatever. I chose my favorite, maybe less popular Black History Month stories, and this ain't no leap year so it's ending now, peace out 'til next Feb.