SUMMER MOVIE REVIEW EXPLOSION

Editor's Note: Michael Jackson died, I went to LA for a week, I took a 'blog-cation' (I hope that's not a real term anyone uses) but I saw a bunch of shitty movies and now I'm back to talk about them.

TRANSFORMERS 2 : THE COLLEGE YEARS

I hated the first Transformers for many, many reasons but now that movie seems like a fond memory compared to the cinematic explosive diarrhea that is Transformers 2. It's like Michael Bay & Steven Spielberg are the '2 Girls' and special effects studio ILM is the '1 cup' and well, you can imagine the rest of that metaphor. I'm not shocked it made a ton of money, hey I shelled out for it, I also took a 20 minute nap in the middle because my brain was bleeding and I had gone temporarily deaf.

So Shia LaBeouf goes to college and just seems totally annoyed with any Transformer all together, even his homies like Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. So he's off to college and wants to leave all this robot shit behind but his roomie ends up being some conspiracy theory nut and Shia has all these epileptic fits where he does equations in Webdings font. Actually the only part of the movie I liked was the slutty Decepticon chic who tries to seduce and destroy him in his dorm. Outside of that, nothing is creative (wtf was that tribal shit at the beginning???) and I felt like I was watching the first movie all over again because they just rehashed the same boring desert set for the last 45 minutes of the movie. There's also a scene that takes place underneath a Transformer's nutsack, I shit you not. This is surprising since the special effects are such a mess you usually can't ever tell what it is you're looking at. By all means, save 2.5 hours of your life, even Megan Fox running in slow motion isn't worth it.
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UP! = LEAVE AFTER 15 MINUTES!

Fuck Pixar! There, I said it. 'Finding Nemo' is good, 'Wall-E' is cute, everything else they've done is total garbage and y'all keep drinkin' their Kool-Aid like it's the nectar of the Gods. I'm actually proud of Disney for going back and making their new movie with old school hand-drawn animation (but we'll get to that later). Everyone said this movie was the second coming of Christ but I fucking hate balloons, and I hate whimsical flying houses and jolly, fat kids so it just looked like more Pixar garbage to me, and I was 95% right!

You've probably heard it around already, but the first 15 minutes or so of the movie are awesome. Well, it opens with a short film about clouds making baby animals which is really fuckin' cute, and I would have rather seen a whole movie about that instead of the crap-fest that followed. Then the first 15 minutes of 'Up' are so good, everyone in the theater was crying, otherwise you have no human soul and demons should drag you to hell. I wished I was watching a film fest of animated shorts, Pixar should stick with that instead of their feature length bullshit. Everything afterwords was so boring and trite I was praying for it to end. I loved 3D, I saw it in 3D, it still sucked. Sure it's predictable, you might smirk here and there, but the journey isn't even fun. Why do you people like this shit? Are you the same people who think Transformers is better than The Dark Knight?! What is wrong with you?!
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BRUNO = IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY!!!

Any and every Bruno segment of 'Da Ali G Show' is way more entertaining than this movie. I had high hopes for this one since 'Borat' was hilarious and this seemed like an even easier prank to pull on the simpletons of middle America. I was wrong. I was worried the satyr of the whole character would be lost on most people, given that fag-bashing is right up there with baseball as one of America's favorite pastimes, but thankfully the majority of that was saved for the grand finale scene. Even so, I couldn't help but feel the same idiots who think 'Transformers' is amazing would think 'Bruno' is hilarious, simply based on the universal hilarity of queer jokes alone.

Oddly enough, they included a scene where an 'ex-gay' converter starts bashing women for being so annoying which, in my opinion, while discrediting himself he actually made the character of Bruno and his scheme even more relatable to the straight, breeding masses in the audience. Lots of women stopped laughing and started gasping. If his opinions are so outlandish towards hetero women, then what makes his opinion of gay men any more credible??? That might be the only redeeming part of this movie. Sure, Bruno has funny, crude, in-your-face setups but they come off as awkward and unsettling (especially the baby casting calls with parents and the swingers party). The best material is in the trailers so don't hold your breath for anything better. Also, an 8 year old boy and his mother sat next to me, which made everything more awkward. She tried covering his eyes for the first few scandalous scenes, but after realizing the whole movie would only get worse (duh) she gave up and let him watch the rest. And the 'Mother of the Year' award goes too...
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HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-ASSED PLOT

So Warner Brothers makes us wait a year and a half for this movie because they were afraid 'Twilight' would steal it's pre-pubescent, tweenage girl thunder and they wanted a big summer opening? I bought advanced tix, waited in line for a midnight showing and all I got was some lame-ass transition movie where nothing happens and it's all just tween romance drama and set-up for the final films, in the next 2 to 3 years?!?!

This movie was just an extended, supernatural episode of 'Gossip Girl'. It's all high school romance, whimsical flirty bullshit and NOTHING HAPPENS! The movie is almost 3 hours long and all you get is some coy he said/ she said nonsense and that's it. I waited in a crazy ass line full of nerds wearing wizard hats and capes and shit but I would have stayed there to take pictures of them rather than roll my eyes for 3 hours at this craptastic excuse for a summer movie. It's all transition exposition, no magic, no effects except some smokey shit, and that's all. Even my friends who love this book the most in the series were disappointed. Rent it, skip it, or just read it and wait for the final 2 films.
P.S. Every summer movie has sucked so far. Will 'The Hurt Locker' be my favorite?

MORE ALICE IN WONDERLAND...

Here's more new pics of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Alice looks normal but Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Matt Lucas from Little Britain) looks more like a cross between Puggsley Addams and the 'chubby cuppy cake boy' from youtube, gross.

ALICE IN BURTONLAND

This shit looks fuckin RRRRRAAAAADDDD!!!
Sorry if you weren't a fan of Tim Burton's Charlie & The Chocolate Factory remake but I liked it and this looks way better. With Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover and Christopher Lee? Can't wait. Bigger pics and full story at USA Today.

BUSTIN MAKES ME FEEL GOOD

I am buying Powerball tickets every week until I win that shit so I can buy this sweet ride, the real life Ecto-1 ectomobile from Ghostbusters! This shit is on ebay RIGHT NOW for a cool $150,000. I might as well just buy some junk and duct tape it to the side of my Buick Lesabre and paint the logo on, that's as close as I'll ever get. Are they still doing that MTV show Pimp My Ride? Cuz this is what I would get. This dude gives all the details in his

ebay ad here.

Aaannnnd, he made a youtube commercial for it too, which I suggest skipping around cuz it's more like an infomercial running at 10 mins. long. But still, the dude tricked out the inside with all the bells and whistles including a Slimer ghost radar, Ghostbuster uniforms, neon green ground effects, the actual siren noise AND Bose speakers pumping the themesong!!!

I know I've said the DeLorean is my ultimate dream-mobile, and Michael Jackson's Peter Pan golf cart too, but this one takes the cake. This would make me the official King of Halloween! FOREVERRRR!!!

THE HANGOVER, NARNIA 2, SPRING BREAKDOWN, AMERICAN TEEN

THE HANGOVER = 3 SHOTS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL

Weak sauce. Don't believe the hype y'all. Sure this movie is some fun and funny good times, here and there, but it's mostly giggles and shrugs instead of giggles and hugs. I thought 'Old School' was more funny so just cool your summer comedy craving til 'Bruno' or 'Funny People' comes out.
***POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD***
Hey if anyone can relate to this, it's me and my bros. We just celebrated his bachelor party in Vegas, at Cesar's, and I ended up taking a lot of pictures he didn't discover until later. Of course nothing as rediculous as this movie but similar setting. Yeah it's fun watching the mystery unfold as they try to retrace their night but instead of stumbling upon the comedy, it's all forced in your face whether you think it's funny or not. Case in point, Zach Galafanakis...he's a funny comedian, he has funny moments in the movie but all in all his character and bits are so fake and forced it comes across more as the guy who's trryyying to be funny and always failing, like Steve Carrell in Anchorman, random humor, not working. Hey, my faves 'Adventures in Babysitting' and 'Weekend at Bernie's' have a similar premise and everyone holds their own, so it can be done. Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper basically carry the movie, Mike Tyson is awkward but the tiny Asian gangster plays it up nicely. All in all, I say rental with the bros if anything. 'Old School' is superior, so is 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' and maybe even 'I Love You Man'. Or, just watch 'The Hangover' while you and your friends ARE hungover and you'll have a good time.
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THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN = 3 AMBIENS + 2 Z-BARS

Is this a whole new film genre? Boring ass movies to make your children fall asleep? I ain't got kids so I don't know what you modern day folks put them in front of other than Dora the Explorer and Yo Gabba Gabba but shit, if it's nap time turn on some mutha fuckin NAAAARRRNNNIIIIAAA!!! If this can put my nocturnal adult ass to sleep in less than an hour, it will knock your toddler out for 12-15 hours fo sho! Seriously, this movie was so boring I started pacing around my tiny office waiting for a magical Christian special effect to happen and it didn't. Just beavers and foxes chatting in the woods and trite English children complaining about everything. Way to go Disney, greenlighting and throwing a ton of money at this snoozer sequel. I can't say I'm surprised as half-way through reading this book in 5th grade, I decided it was so boring I would give up on the series alltogether and just start going to raves instead. So take that Turkish delight and shove it!
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SPRING BREAKDOWN = TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

Dudes, this sucks. You see a dream cast of Parker Posey, Amy Poehler, Missi Pyle, Jane Lynch making fun of Girls Gone Wild and it just falls short. It's a great premise but it went straight to DVD, but that's good. The plot just doesn't go anywhere, except to party after party (like the lost series Swingtown) and they can't seem to dig their way out of that. There are some funny scenes but not enough to pull the whole thing off.
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AMERICAN TEEN = 3 ORDERS OF PROACTIVE

This documentary is painful, heartwarming, awkward and inspiring. Of course the mean girl's sister committed suicide, so she can justify being a total bitch for the rest of her life. It sucks the hot dude fell for the artsy girl but then dumped her via text? Loser. The Jock seems nice enough, he's just trying to make something happen. The Zelda nerd is hard to watch but at least he finds his Zelda princess eventually. Hannah, the artsy girl is the best but I lost faith at the end when it said she couldn't handle the west coast, pussy. It's a good documentary but when you start reflecting on your own highschool life, and how much it sucked, i'd rather forget it. And yeah, wtf, no gay kid? If there was he was just background or killed himself or I forgot, but either way, fuck you wanna-be doc version of Harmony Korine 14 years later biased-ass piece shit.

REVIEWS: TERMINATOR SALVATION, DRAG ME TO HELL

TERMINATOR SALVATION = SPECIAL EFFECTS SALIVATION, CONFUSING PLOT NO EXPLANATION

(I just felt like making a gay Terminator, since they are from San Francisco)
I really wanted this to be my summer jam. I don't hate McG as much as everyone else does. Sure he's a douche, but at least he's a fun douche. I was all up in Charlie's Angels 1 & 2, and The OC series, but had little faith he could pull off a Terminator. Unfortunately the best action scene of the movie takes place in the first 5 minutes. Sure the effects and new robots were new and fun, but I still felt the coolest scene was watching that terminator torso relentlessly come after Christian Bale in the beginning. That is what the whole movie should have been like, that scene is the essence of Terminator in general. Salvation is kind of like Mad Max meets Saving Private Ryan which could have worked, but instead it gets lost in this Back 2 The Future plot that is confusing as hell and long boring scenes of different characters trying to explain said plot. This brings the pacing of the would-be fast action blockbuster to a screeching halt. Basically as soon as my new least-favorite actor, Anton Yelchin, and his futuristic Rudy Huxtable sidekick show up on screen, feel free to go to the bathroom, take a massive shazz, get a snack, check your voicemail, twitter your mom, whatever you want cuz nothing will happen for a solid while.

SPOILERS & SPECIFICS BELOW...
I've seen every Terminator movie multiple times and I got totally lost during this one. Was that old silver-haired lady who lived at the gas station supposed to be John Connor's mom? Why doesn't Christian Bale go back in time and learn how to fly a frickin' helicopter?! He crashes two of them in this movie (not sure about the third one he's riding away on at the end while detonating San Francisco)? Why is Common in this movie at all? Why is Helena Bonham Carter in this movie at all, and if she knows to go back in time to develop this technology, why doesn't she know that it will ultimately destroy Skynet? Why does the advanced intelligent Skynet company leave super-sensitive nuclear Terminator batteries just sitting on a tray in the middle of the Skynet factory? Chillin out in the open? Why is Arnold's cgi Mr. Universe body in this movie...in a green speedo? And for the love of God, can someone from Crafts services get Christian Bale a God damn cup of hot chamomile tea with lemon?! or some Throat-coat or a frickin' Ricola?! I thought he was just talkin' all raspy-ass for The Dark Knight but I guess that's his new 'thing'.

Anyway, I'm all about suspending my belief for the sake of a sci-fi action movie but at least follow your own rules if you're gonna expect anyone to keep up, or care.
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DRAG ME TO HELL...AND BACK! THIS MOVIE RULES!!!

In an age when the horror genre is only about rape, torture, and mutilation it's perfect timing for Ram Raimi to swoop down and remind everyone how it's really done. If you're a fan of the Evil Dead series, you won't be disappointed. This movie is the most scary, hilarious, amazing, retarded fun all in one movie I've seen in a long time. When the entire theater is screaming and laughing and covering their eyes all at the same time, you know it's worth the $10. It's got a great, simple plot about a bank loan officer who denies this disgusting old gypsy bitch and extension on her home loan and ends up getting cursed to go to hell because of it. It's got it's fingers on the pulse of our modern economic times! Everything that ensues afterwards is classic Raimi horror mixed with humor mixed with absurd gore and hilarious one-liners. I loved every minute of it...ehhh, up until the half-way mark where it does slow down and they seem to overdo-it with the blowing drapes and whispery scenes which lead to nothing. And the main seance scene kinda jumps the shark but I let it slide because the rest was so entertaining. I wish it ended as strong as it started but being a big Evil Dead fan I was definitely satisfied. Plus it all takes place in Silverlake and Echo Park which is funny to see familiar hipster places as the backdrop.

And I find it particularly funny as I have encountered many an old gypsy bitch like this, either 'working' at Zankou Chicken, chain smoking outside my old building, or cutting in line at the 99 cent store, and I felt like they had dragged me to hell every time I walked outside. I'm sure one or more of them cursed me, given my current circumstances. So ya never know who you're screamin at. But I did help some gypsy twins find a dvd they were obsessed with at Amoeba once and they did a crazy belly dance celebration and left, so maybe I have their blessing on my side as well.

SUMMER MOVIE REVIEWS: STAR TREK, ANGELS & DEMONS

STAR TREK = TOP GUN + NERDS vs. FRATS + BACK 2 THE FUTURE PART 2

Star Date: Last Monday, Afternoonish
I am not a Trekkie, I don't care about Klingons and shit, but this was a fun. Yeah, it's flawed, but all in all they found a good balance between pleasing the hardcore Trekkies & keeping the general masses entertained.
>>> SPECIFICS & SPOILERS AHEAD <<<
Thank God I saw this twice because after the first time I had no idea what the 'Back 2 The Future' alternate future plot was all about. It's still kinda blurry but I get the gist of it. It's also totally Top Gun-ish cuz Kirk is this bad boy maverick pilot who breaks all the rules and gets all the ladies (even the green ones); Joyriding, drinking, Beastie Boys, motorcycles, barroom brawls, leather jackets, etc. I like that they made Spock a total badass too, and he has a thang for chocolate sistas, but I could not get past the fact that he would have a smooth, cherub alien baby face in one shot, then total grizzly 5 o'clock shadow in the next! Either vulcan's have crazy hormones or Zach Quinto is a total otter (gay term for slim hairy dudes, like 'bear' but skinny).

Kirk & Spock form a lifelong bromance here, so do Kirk & Bones, so do Kirk & the original Enterprise captain he saves, and maybe Eric Bana's alien character secretly loves Kirk too...lots of m4m action goin on, but hey, what happens in an alternate future black hole, STAYS in an alternate future black hole.

Speaking of alternate future black holes...Tyler Perry cameo? NOT in zany-old-black-lady drag??? Most people didn't recognize him but I sure as hell did cuz I see all his movies. Along with alternate future grandma Winona Ryder? Big ups to J.J. Abrams for the random casting, but he also loses points for Simon Pegg and his nubby-eyed alien sidekick. British people are NOT funny! Simon Pegg, Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand, Monty Python? Y'all are being duped! You need some real American comedy like Larry the Cable Guy, Lisa Lampenelli and Jeff Foxworthy. Git-R-Done!

Mad props to the Starfleet Federation for being an equal opportunity employer. There have been many races (fictional and real) represented throughout the franchise, from Whoopi Goldberg to Lavar Burton. Unfortunately, the new school Uhura, played by Zoe Saldana from 'Center Stage' and 'Crossroads', gets upstaged by her Tyra-esque ponytail weave in almost every scene, being whipped around like a magical dragon tail! Sidebar: I loved how Kirk gets exiled to an arctic planet, climbs out of an ice crater in a blizzard, and just stands there wearing some destressed jeans and a fitted sweater looking like a Diesel ad.

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ANGELS & DEMONS = 3 HAIL MARYS

This was like the film equivalent of Kurt Warner throwing a last minute hail mary pass to win the Super Bowl: FAIL! I haven't read the books but I thought The Da Vinci Code was way better. Angels & Demons has a cool premise but rushes to a retarded ending that is so rediculous you can't help but laugh and not care who wins. Nobody told me Ewan McGregor was in it, so I was already annoyed as soon as his soulless lizard-man eyes appeared on screen (not a fan). I love Illuminati conspiracy theories, but this story goes beyond 'what if' into a magical fantasy land with scenes where you can feel the audience collectively roll their eyes and give up. It's not like Jesus himself shows up and walks on water and shoots lasers out of his eyes, but it's enough to make you forget the 'Se7en' kinda journey and leave a bad taste in your mouth. Don't even get me started on the absurd CGI interior Vatican scenes that look so fake I would be less shocked to see Gollum waiting in line at Starbucks.

M83 vs. ANTM

I don't think you have to be a fan of either M83 or America's Next Top Model to appreciate this fan made music video, but if you ARE a fan of both then it's awesome. The song carries it of course, this cycle of ANTM was noteworthy (feat. McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, Clark, Elina and Isis the tranny!), and the editing is surprisingly good. It all fits together and even feels sorta nostalgic?

MOVIE REVIEWS: Obsessed, Wolverine, The Wackness, Synechdoche NY, The Visitor etc.

Obsessed = Fatal Attraction + The Temp + booorrring

I had such high camp hopes for Obsessed when I hyped the trailer months ago but it was a total let down. Aside from a fight scene and funny line here and there, it is mostly Ali Larter being a sexy psycho getting tips from the resident office gossip, the gay receptionist, and countless random shots of Beyonce staring out of windows while a Sia song is playing. As expected, the entire movie is in the trailer so no surprises here. Beyonce's character was just annoying, probably cuz Beyonce only played a one-note ABW (angry black woman), but to be fair, that's all she was given. So I had to research the writer of this movie, David Loughery, wrote "Lakeview Terrace" ", "Money Train" and "Passenger 57"...but also "The 3 Musketeers", "Star Trek V" and an episode of the 80's TV show "Hart to Hart"??? What kind of resume is that? Who are you David Loughery?

X-MEN Origins: Wolverine = Made me want to do this...

X-Men...stick a fork in it, it's done. X-Men 3 sucked so hard I wasn't expecting much from Wolverine. Granted I watched it online, without finalized special effects, but it still sucked. I'm officially done with X-Men movies. 1 was ok, 2 was the best, 3 was God-aweful, and this spin-off was the last nail in the coffin. Goodbye X-Men movies, farewell Halle Berry's white wig and white eyes, so long Rebecca Romeijn's naked, blue, scaley body, this franchise is dead.

The Wackness = The Wiggerness

Yo, yo, yo! What is crack-a-lacking my homies? 1994 is the bomb.
I thought this movie looked retarded and guess what, it is. It's like a white Jew from NYC saw the movie 'Kids' and heard a Notorius B.I.G. song and decided to make those his new lifestyle. (You know he was really just sitting at home watching Party of 5 and listening to Counting Crows). Since idiots believe every piece of pigeon shit in New York is the coolest thing in the world, cuz it's from New York, he wrote a screenplay about himself 10 years later, cuz drugs are sooo urban, and he's so prolific, throw in an Olson twin and an oddly proportioned Ben Kingsley in a tiny hat, and cast a dopey-Disney-channel-tween-star-trying-to-be-edgy as himself and presto...The Wiggerness! We're really supposed to believe some slow white stoner sold a ton of weed out of an ice cream cart in the middle of NYC and the cops were none the wiser? and he never got jumped? and Method Man is his Jamaican dealer? This movie is the definition of TRYING WAY TOO HARD, and failing.

Synecdoche, New York = ???
This movie just screamed 'I'm crazy and totally self-indulgent, please look at meeee, pay attention to meeee!', but then I realized that's also kind of the point. The dude spends his life, making a massive play about his life that never gets performed because he keeps adding everything from his life to the play, so it just goes in circles for years until you're exhausted and want to die. I liked the themes throughout the film, that life is fleeting and everyone is the star of their own life, and it's similar to David Lynch's "Inland Empire" where the lines between real life and performance get blurred, but I'm still not sure how to pronounce the damn title so I can't say much more, except the end credits song "Little Person" was my favorite part. It's on itunes and it's great.


The Visitor = Asshole businessman feels empty inside, discovers inner-city drum circles, becomes slightly enlightened, starts questioning American immigration policy. It was like 'Crash' meets 'Rent' meets Burning Man, meets me pressing the 'eject disc' button after 20 minutes.


Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys = Not as racist as the poster???

Hmmmm...this should have been the poster for "Obsessed" as there is an actual choking fight scene in that movie, but this movie is just about prejudice and money and Christian morals and the usual Tyler Perry preachy bullshit.

Who Knew Julia Roberts Was So Fucking Funny?!

I guess the role of Erin Brockavich wasn't that much of stretch for her after all. Or it just rubbed off on her a little. Come to think of it, there's been a few paparazzi videos of her swearing like a sailor too lately, so maybe this is the new Julia post-motherhood. When this story made the rounds online everyone made it sound like she was wasted and it was embarrassing, but in this clip she just seems buzzed and like she doesn't give a fuck and the crowd loves it and it's hilarious.
AUDIO is NSFW! lotta f bombs, just fyi.