LET'S GET SPRUNG

SPRING FASHION ALERT!!!

Fashion Week has come and gone in Milan, Paris, New York,...now, last and least, LA. I don't know what the hot new trends are but I imagine a lot of stuff looking like Ed Hardy took a shit on a trucker hat and sold it for $100, or some cougar bedazzled slutty words in 'old english' font on the ass of women's sweat suits. LA Fashion week is like the Rock of Love Bus of fashion. I haven't seen any current shit, but my last favorite show was Christian Dior Fall 07, it's on youtube in 3 or 4 parts, warning: it's extremely gay but if you are even remotely interested in Project Runway, you might like it, here's part 1 of 3:


Also, just for old time's sake I have to post...
the model falling through the hole on the catwalk, I think she finally just filed a lawsuit over this


...and the funniest fall, but the version where the news anchors can't stop laughing cuz I love me some news bloopers and catwalk bloopers, but the 2 combined is blooper heaven. loooves me some good ol' fashioned bloopers.



I was curious about what kind of slumdog millionaire sweatshop-knock offs H&M would be rolling out this spring so I cruised their website. When they first came to town it was kinda jammin, but since has turned into a neon new rave k hole. Last time I was there they had a mannequin, wearing underwear over sweatpants, with a button down dress shirt and a scarf. So their website has a feature where you can upload a photo of yourself and enter your measurements and then virtually try anything on. If you choose their model, the clothes magically fly on and off while they walk in place down a virtual runway, check it out. I decided to try and come up with the gayest possible outfits, shootin fish in a barrel. You can even accessorize and pick different background locations. The final one is my only serious attempt at something I would actually wear. Here is my resulting look book:


Look #1: "Pastel Playground" apparently I only tan my legs, so I must cover my upper half with a sweater and scarf, then I go breakdance

Look #2: "Jet Setter" aka rent boy cruising the hotel lobby for a sugar daddy

Look #3: "Gay Librarian" man I really hate scarfs, and reading

Look #4: "Poolside" I can do this...but why do I have E.T. hands?

SPRING BREAKDOWN!!!
I guess this movie was made years ago and is now straight to dvd, which means, although the cast seems good...it probably sucks. But you know I'm gonna see it any damn way. Review to come, as soon as I reactivate my Netflix.

LAST WEEKS NEWS....waaa-waaa

I had to work 6 days in a row then went to Vegas for 3 days, no time to blog, sue me. I am officially pissed I missed the boat on the whole America's Next Top Model audition riot in NYC but that ship has sailed. I still haven't had a chance to see Watchmen, or any other movies for that matter, so no reviews either. All I got is my own personal recap of the Sesame Street employee layoffs. Again, I tried to get this out last week but I was overbooked and spent too long editing the pics and making the ultimate Vegas playlist, I didn't have time for content, so here it is now if you care.

WHAT IF THEY WERE LAID OFF FROM SESAME STREET...

ELMO: WILL LET YOU TICKLE FOR FOOD

Joining the likes of 'Homeless Jack Sparrow' and 'Superman-that-needs-a-dentist", a mangy Elmo finds himself trying to revive his 'tickle-me' fame on Hollywood Blvd. Failing to realize how much tickle-me competition there is in Hollywood, he soon finds himself in the valley, doing tickle fetish porn for Vivid. Welcome to the jungle, Elmo, it's gonna bring you dooowwwn, HUUUUGHHH!!!

COUNT VON COUNT: COUNTS 1 through 11, GUILTY! AH AH AH

Oddly they look alike and are both evil and good with numbers.
P.S. how has he not 'accidentally' fallen out of his penthouse window yet???

BERT & ERNIE: THE OBVIOUS

Old joke, too easy.

BIG BIRD: D.O.A.!!?!

He was the STAAARRRR! He had it all; money, power, fame, glory,...bird flu! His shameful, provacative taste for young Malaysian goslings finally caught up with him. After getting canned from Sesame he went on a 4 day bender and was found like this on the 3rd St. Promenade in front of an A&F store. Hollywood will eat you alive,... or sunny-side-up. (insert overly dramatic CSI intro here).

COOKIE MONSTER: THE BIGGEST LOSER

Once revered for his compulsive cookie-eating habits, Cookie Monster soon became the poster child for the 'Stop Eating Your Feelings' campaign against childhood obesity. With this new, unflattering title, CM tried marketing himself through every diet plan gimmick on tv but the only one that really worked? Crystal, meth, tina, tweek, glass, speed, crank, and my fave according to the internets 'jib nugget'. CM was so caught up in the now floundering, watered-down, 15-years-late rave scene he lost all weight-loss endorsement deals and now just deals jib-nugget to Mexicans in Chino.

MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS: PRINCESS HOARD-A-LOT-A-STUFFS

The only way Snuffy knew how to cope after losing his job, as the original 'Debbie Downer' of daytime television, was to sit at home, take in 13 stray cats, stop bathing, become a princess, and spend his royalties on all kinds of useless garbage!

TOKEN PUERTO RICAN: STILL TOKEN PUERTO RICAN (Alien Gonzalez???)

I don't know who this dude is, but he always showed up with something to say. He was the kid on the street, and in NYC, the 'kid on the street' is most likely Puerto Rican so they made a muppet out of him. Now he is totally into futball, Rosie Perez, J.Lo, dry American land, and famed rapper Pitbull! Calle Ocho!!!

OSCAR THE GROUCH: BOOOOYAAAAHHH!!!
SERENITY NOW!!! Oscar finally gets to shove it in the face of all his happy-go-lucky co-stars! Welcome to my trashcan bitches! I'ma livin' in a box,...i'ma livin in a cardboard box. Best song everrrrr! Nobody else in the 80's made a dance song about homeless people's houses, it's fucking prolific! If you know me, you know I love this song to death and I know all the lyrics. Now I will pay it forward and share my joy with you and yours...so next time you're stuck on whatever street and you see them out there, just pump this jam and watch a depressing slum turn into a Janet Jackson dance video out of nowhere, I honestly love this song.

H<3G TRL !!!

Welcome to H<3G TRL!!! Here's a few of my favorite music/videos for you screaming tweens, except these songs are rediculous and your requests mean nothing.
ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
(some full music videos, some just audio with pics and lyrics)

Rodney Atkins - "Watching You"
I shit you not, this is for real. I almost pissed my pants laughing when I heard this on the radio (yes I listen to the country channel, for songs exactly like this, and I had a Garth Brooks tape stuck in my car for 2 years). Anyway, this song is all about getting his kid a Happy Meal at McDonald's with nuggets, fries, an orange drink and a toy. Then praying in a barn. I could've gotten stoned and written this while waiting for my nuggets in the drive-thru and now I'd be a millionaire.


"Beer Run" by Garth Brooks & George Jones
B, double E, double R, U, N!!! here is a version starring various musical cat pics. There needs to be a lot more of this style video on tv.


"Have You Forgotten" by Darryl Worely
There could be an entire sub-category of country music just about 9/11 but here is my favorite jam. Example of lyrical genius:
"Don't ya tell me not to worry 'bout Bin Laden,
...Have you forgotten?"
I can just picture this dude, sitting around trying to think of things that rhyme with 'Bin Laden'. Below is a fan-made slideshow including a bald eagle with a teardrop.


"Blame It" by Jaime Foxx
Someone lost a bet, or this is a joke or there was some fine Columbian going around the backlot that day cuz the first 30 seconds of this video is brain-melting.
Spoiler Alert! If you don't feel like watching let me break it down with bullets...
-it's a Jamie Foxx video,
-directed by Hype Williams (who I blame for Aaliyah's untimely death, RIP Baby Girl) -starring Jake Gyllenhaal (Prince of Persia, Prince of Nepotism)
-Forest Whitaker (overrated wonk-eye who edited me out of 'Waiting to Exhale'
for which I will never forgive him)
-Ron Howard (Frost/Nixon looks boring but Angels/Demons looks jammin')
-Samuel L. Jackson, Quincy Jones, Bill Bellamy, Tatiana Ali, some jazz musician
Mix all this mess together with T-Pain, a crunk panda bear, a bottle of Henny, some bi-racial video ho's up in da club and you get the following...


Honorable Mentions:
"The More Boys I Meet, The More I Love My Dog" by Carrie Underwood
"BBQ Stain" by Tim McGraw
"She Think's My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney

And still, my ALL TIME favorite weirdest music video ever, no special effects, endless cameos abound, kind of like 'We Are the World' but way better, trying to have a plot?, and not related to the song in any way whatsoever, I highly suggest carving out 6 minutes, sitting back, watching in HQ and trying to recognize every single person, gather some friends around and make a game out of it, the answers are all in the end credits, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
"Liberian Girl" by Michael Jackson