LET'S GET SPRUNG

SPRING FASHION ALERT!!!

Fashion Week has come and gone in Milan, Paris, New York,...now, last and least, LA. I don't know what the hot new trends are but I imagine a lot of stuff looking like Ed Hardy took a shit on a trucker hat and sold it for $100, or some cougar bedazzled slutty words in 'old english' font on the ass of women's sweat suits. LA Fashion week is like the Rock of Love Bus of fashion. I haven't seen any current shit, but my last favorite show was Christian Dior Fall 07, it's on youtube in 3 or 4 parts, warning: it's extremely gay but if you are even remotely interested in Project Runway, you might like it, here's part 1 of 3:


Also, just for old time's sake I have to post...
the model falling through the hole on the catwalk, I think she finally just filed a lawsuit over this


...and the funniest fall, but the version where the news anchors can't stop laughing cuz I love me some news bloopers and catwalk bloopers, but the 2 combined is blooper heaven. loooves me some good ol' fashioned bloopers.



I was curious about what kind of slumdog millionaire sweatshop-knock offs H&M would be rolling out this spring so I cruised their website. When they first came to town it was kinda jammin, but since has turned into a neon new rave k hole. Last time I was there they had a mannequin, wearing underwear over sweatpants, with a button down dress shirt and a scarf. So their website has a feature where you can upload a photo of yourself and enter your measurements and then virtually try anything on. If you choose their model, the clothes magically fly on and off while they walk in place down a virtual runway, check it out. I decided to try and come up with the gayest possible outfits, shootin fish in a barrel. You can even accessorize and pick different background locations. The final one is my only serious attempt at something I would actually wear. Here is my resulting look book:


Look #1: "Pastel Playground" apparently I only tan my legs, so I must cover my upper half with a sweater and scarf, then I go breakdance

Look #2: "Jet Setter" aka rent boy cruising the hotel lobby for a sugar daddy

Look #3: "Gay Librarian" man I really hate scarfs, and reading

Look #4: "Poolside" I can do this...but why do I have E.T. hands?

SPRING BREAKDOWN!!!
I guess this movie was made years ago and is now straight to dvd, which means, although the cast seems good...it probably sucks. But you know I'm gonna see it any damn way. Review to come, as soon as I reactivate my Netflix.

CORALINE = THE WEIRDEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN?

And I've seen a LOOOOOOTTTT of shit. Maybe I should clarify; this is the weirdest movie I've ever seen in the theater? I have been trying to think of something weirder but it was all forced, artsy-weird, or just trippy self-aware shit that was trying too hard to be edgy. Yeah, I know this director is trying to be his weird old self too, and maybe I need to read the book to understand some stuff but I'm not getting near any book. This movie was so confusing and bizarre I found myself curled up into a ball towards the end and listening to all the mom's around me go "ummmm...???" as their guilt startled to settle in for subjecting their kids to this. Oh and yeah, I did see it in 3D of course, you know how I roll. Well maybe you don't, but when I roll, I usually roll in 3D. Spy Kids 3D is still my fave. Spoilers ahead!

I know the basic premise of the story but the way it just sort of stumbles over itself, to accentuate Coraline's awkwardness perhaps, makes it hard to follow? Or maybe it was the way I fell asleep somewhere early in the second act and woke up in Crazytown which left me with many unanswered questions. I gathered her parents ignore her and she finds this magical world where everything seems perfect but isn't, but I couldn't figure out why her best friend was this autistic kid who looks like a retarded, grunge-era Cabbage Patch kid in Doc Martens.

Skip to Act 3-ish: There was a tipping point, when I officially realized it was beyond my brain's motivation to comprehend, during some scene where Coraline enters an opera house where a fat stripper is battling a fat mermaid on stage and the audience is full of Scottie dogs with giant grins. Thoughts? Anyone? I gave up after that, and you probably will too unless you are a drunken French clown from Cirque Du Soleil, in which case you would find this movie very obvious and banal.

Teri Hatcher (voice of Coraline's mom) turns from claymation Desperate Housewife, to Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham, to a crazy-robot-spider-alien-lady. Coraline has to collect enough shattered dreams to free herself and the ghost kids she meets in the alternate universe, I think? I don't know, the talking cat was cool though, just make sure you go into this movie with an 'open mind'...and don't try making sense of anything. Here is my ghetto visual aid of the mean Coraline mom/Victoria Beckham similarities. Am I right or am I right?