Hey everyone, it's pandemic time! The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this is just another government ploy to divert attention away from the economy, give a boost in productivity for pharmecutical companies, and as usual keep America scared. Or could this be 'The Big One' scientists have warned about for years? Whatever it is it just feels like the 3rd installment of some bad horror trilogy on the Sci-Fi network. First was "Sars" in 2003?, then "Bird Flu" in 2005?, now the final chapter of biohazard horror trilogy... "Just when you thought it was safe to eat bacon: Pig Flu!"
It's a scary thought, 28 Days Later and shit like that coming true, but given the previous pandemic track record, and the fact that all of them combined are nothing compared to AIDS and Malaria, you can't help but question the media hype. People started wearing masks around town when Bird Flu was all the rage, and now it's a song by M.I.A. so what do they expect us to do? All I can think about is, if/when Pig Flu sweeps the nation, will it feel like this???....
Given these hard economic times, people ain't takin no mess, from nobody! Especially when it comes to getting your grub on from the drive-thru value menus. This has led to a recent outbreak of customers rising up against the corporate fat cats to get what they rightfully paid for. There's no time to call those robot 1-800 feedback lines, or fill out the customer service surveys online, you want your food, you paid for it with a ziplock bag of loose change so you go straight to the authorities and call 911! I'm pretty sure I've been stuck in line behind these people my entire life.
Scene of Crime: A&D Buffalo's, Haltom City, Texas Ordered: Shrimp Fried Rice w/ extra shrimp Received: Shrimp Fried Rice NO extra shrimp Damages: loss of $1.62 Sidebar: She did leave with her food, then come back to file the complaint. For all we know she was scamming free shrimp for a cookout down the street.
Scene of Crime: McDonald's, Fort Pierce, Florida Ordered: 10 piece Chicken Mcnuggets & small fries Received: citation for misuse of 911 Damages: approx. $5 Sidebar: I'm siding with Latreasa on this one, no nuggs, no refund? ba da ba baa baaa, I'm NOT lovin' it
UPDATE: victim defends her case in an interview, claims "iwantedtohandlemattersinmyownhands" and "i was a young lady and called the police"
You know she saw this commercial one too many times, girrrl you got a 10 piece please don't be stingaaayy...
Scene of Crime: Burger King, Laguna Nigel, California Ordered: Western BBQ Burger...for her kids she just picked up from Tae-Kwon-Do Received: Hamburger w/ lettuce, tomato, cheese, onion Damages: approx. $3 Sidebar: Big ups to the 911 dispatcher on this one, "What are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?"
Shake shake shake, shake shake shake...shake that baby! shake that baby! This new app is reason enough for me to get an iphone. It's a drawing of an old-timey baby that cries and you have to shake your iphone to shut it up and it dies and red Family Feud X's cover it's eyes. Awwweeesooomme! Perfect for long flights or waiting in line at Target or anywhere.
It showed up Monday and was pulled Wednesday because a bunch of mommy warrior coalition types complained. You know the type, they have a glass case full of Beanie Babies and Marie Osmand dolls in their bedroom, they buy all that little baby angel shit from truckstops and carwashes, they worship Anne Geddes calenders of naked babies sleeping on a cabbage. That would be the ultimate ap, if we combined Baby Shaker with Anne Geddes photography, like this...
GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST = GHOSTS OF MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S CAREER
Yet another actor who's made a career playing one character, himself, in every film. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Failure To Launch, Fools Gold, The Wedding Planner, etc. Now all of those movies have joined forces with the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, to bring you the ultimate holiday rom-com mashup explosion, which nobody will see except me and some 15 year old girls.
THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS = Gremlins + The Three Stooges + The Matrix + ?
I think this was supposed to be straight to dvd, but might get a summer theatrical release? Shit, I hope not. The original trailer gave a release date in February but now it says July. It's basically Gremlins but more zany slapstick crap, all cgi creatures, and some stupid Matrix-style action. Starring Ashley 'Nosejob' Jizzdale from High School Musical and the hot guy from You Got Served and Step Up 2 and the grandma from...everything (Everyone Loves Raymond, Grandma's Boy, Christmas Vacation, etc), has she been 72 for 15 years?!
SHORTS = Bedtime Stories for cool kids?
Leave it to Robert Rodriguez to still be the only guy in Hollywood coming up with fun, funny, creative movies for kids. He can go back and forth from Sin City and From Dusk Til Dawn to Spy Kids and Sharkboy & Lavagirl (in 3D, before 3D was cool again). Now he's got 'Shorts' which is similar to a 'wishes coming true and going crazy' premise like Disney's Adam Sandler family crapfest from last Christmas, Bedtime Stories, but looks cooler. C'mon, he uses 'Kickstart My Heart' by Motley Crue in the trailer, SOLD!
THE HURT LOCKER = a middle east war movie that actually looks good?
This won some festival award, and is directed by Kathryn Bigelow (Strange Days, Point Break, Near Dark) and it looks rad. I know, I know, another 'soldiers in Iraq' movie, lots of dirt, beige fatigues, sweaty dramatic scenes where the down-home country American soldier has to decide weather to save a soldier or an Iraqi baby, shit like that, but this looks better. Give the trailer a chance.
THE DESCENT 2 = Why are you going back in the cave full of monsters you dumbass!?!
A sketchy follow up to the sleeper horror hit from a few years ago. I like when sequels pick up right where the original left off, but this trailer makes it look like a fan-made Sci-Fi Channel sequel on a fraction of the budget. It even looks like they used some leftover stock footage from the original...? Recession editing? So my expectations are pretty low, but I will give it a chance.
PAPER HEARTS = cute barf
If you told me the idea of this movie, I would have said "Nick & Nora part 2? hell naaww." But this trailer actually looks pretty damn cute. I'm not into Michael Cera playing himself in every movie ever, always wearing the same hoodie in various colors. He looks like a baby vampire and I'm over it. If it weren't for the asian girl, I would probably hate this movie. Somewhere, buried deep within my rotten, boozey shell...there might be a heart, a tiny Grinch heart that palpitates, but it's there somewhere.
Ok, ok, one last good one then I'm done... DRAG ME TO HELL = HELLZ JEEEAAHH!!!
Sam Raimi finally took a break from that Spiderman waste of time to get back to his horror roots and kick out this movie which looks awesome! Some old gypsy can't get a home loan at the bank so she curses the bank lady and proceeds to scare the shit out of her before she 'drags her to hell'. It's kind of like that Stephen King movie 'Thinner' except updated to reflect the financial struggles of modern day gypsies, like mortgage payments and home foreclosures and hygiene.
HAPPY EASTER!!! Spoilers ahead, but nothin good, just FYI Towelhead is about an arab teenage girl, coming of age in suburban America. Baghead is about 4 horny indie filmmakers, getting drunk in a cabin in the woods.
Towelhead is a reference to a racial slur directed towards Mid-Eastern peoples. Baghead is a reference to a mysterious stalker with a paper bag on his head.
Towelhead is basically a post-9/11 American Beauty. Baghead is basically a post-Punk'd Blair Witch Project.
Towelhead has a budget, and Aaron Eckhart as an army vet/pedo (hey, Alan Ball, why do all your characters live next to a crazy army vet?) Baghead doesn't have a budget, and some guy named Ross Partridge with Elvis hair who would make a great neighbor.
Towelhead = 3 towels Baghead = 2.5 bags The Last House On The Left = Are you fucking kidding me?! I know it's a remake from an older version, but still, what's the point? Do you want to pay $10 to snuggle with your girlfriend/boyfriend and watch a bunch of meth-heads rape the shit out of some teenage girls and kill them? No thanks. Why is this even relevant? Sure it just makes the parental revenge scenes that much more dramatic but who wants to watch any of this shit in the first place? I only watched it cuz I liked the 'Sweet Child O Mine' cover in the trailer, but I am really disturbed that this is now standard 'horror movie' material for the next gen kids. Where my Gremlins at?
Doomsday = 2 exploding heads This is just Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 2009. And I can't get past the fact that the main chic is clearly Kate Beckinsale's long lost twin, also related to Bush twin Barbera, and Maura Tierney from E.R. Seriously, are these all the same actress? or do they all have the same agent? or same plastic surgeon? This movie was some Scottish person's faux remake of a Mad Max film with exploding rabbits and Saw-ish gore. Yaaawwwwn-fest.
Get Smart = ??? I don't remember much. It wasn't as bad as the new Steve Martin Pink Panther movies, but it wasn't much better either. If you're 9 you might love it. Sorry, watching The Rock and Steve Carell make out is neither sexy, funny or anything but awkward and a desperate, failed attempt at man-on-man humor.
Let The Right One In = 4 dead Swedish peoples Finally, a decent vampire flick! Fuck Twilight, fuck Lost Boys 2, this is legit vampire material. It's Sweden, it's the 80's, it's rad. These kids are neighbors, homies, ride or die. The girl is a vampire but looks out for her bff, this aryan kid who gets picked on relentlessly by some lesbian and her crew. It's creepy and stylish and awesome and apparently getting an American remake coming soon, and sure to suck. Probably starring Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens. So see the original before they turn it into Teen Wolf 2009 The Musical!
animated gif's courtesy of http://fourfour.typepad.com/
Not really spoilers ahead, just specifics. I know, I know, Dr. Manhattan's nudity has been discussed to death, but I just saw this movie so my turn! Besides, it's just Lawnmower Man 1992 'virtual reality' kind of nudity anyway. I still liked that he replicated himself during his sex scene resulting in a Blue Man Group 4 way. Apparently, the Blue Man Group guys jizz in neon colors (see photo above), poor girl must look like Jackson Pollack afterwards. Anyway, I had no prior knowledge of the Watchmen and the trailer looked like it was for "Beyond the Mind's Eye 5", those 90's trippy computer animation clips that were just glorified screensavers. And the near 3 hour runtime also scared me, but if I could sit through Australia, I could definitely make it through Watchmen. My favorite part of the entire thing was actually the opening credits sequence. I fucking hate Bob Dylan, and yeah it was all really Forrest Gump-esque, but that lesbian kiss/murder scene blew my mind. The character is Silhouette and they don't show her for the rest of the movie! I want a whole spinoff movie just about her! Also, nobody told me 2-time MVP, Phoenix Suns All-star Steve Nash played Rorschach, the dude with the changing inkblot mask who can seriously fuck you up in prison, or anywhere. I had to look him up on imdb.com to make sure they weren't brothers cuz that is some uncanny shit! Maybe their mother's had the same milkman, something.
The dudes in the lobby afterwards confirmed my observations, this movie doesn't have much action, but the action it does have is very brutal.
Siderbar: I don't care what you indie rock music elitist assholes say, the music in this movie ruled! Bob Dylan and that Janis Joplin song aside, I liked the rest of it. It was really dated obvious pop in your face things like "99 Luft Balloons" by that German chic, and "Boogie Man" by K.C. & the Sunshine Band during a street riot and Hendrix, Nat King Cole, Simon & Garfunkel and Leonard Cohen. But also the subtle cues like the Musak instrumental of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" in the background of the scene where all the press are interviewing Ozymandias. Just cuz someone uses pop music, doesn't mean they don't know of anything else. If you did an all indie obscure soundtrack for a movie everyone would think you are choosing unknown acts just for that reason alone, same rational, so go fuck yourself. Speaking of Ozymandias. He's the gay Donald Trump...right? They show him hitting up Studio 54 in the intro with David Bowie and Mick Jagger, and he's this skinny, blonde, metro-looking billionaire with a giant purple Egyptian tiger pet thing ala Sigfried & Roy. Also he references his idol, Alexander the Great, gaaaaaaaaaay. Not sure if they touch on that in the graphic novel but it's spelled out all over the screen. Here is some random fan art I found regarding the subject... Watchmen is not your typical superhero movie at all, which is probably why I got hooked. There is a lot more focus on complex character development rather than blow-em-up action scenes. From someone who knew nothing about it, and didn't even want to see it, I ending up loving it for all it's tongue in cheek humor, brutally violent action, mentally disturbed Forrest Gumpish awesomeness.
