SUMMER MOVIE REVIEW EXPLOSION

Editor's Note: Michael Jackson died, I went to LA for a week, I took a 'blog-cation' (I hope that's not a real term anyone uses) but I saw a bunch of shitty movies and now I'm back to talk about them.

TRANSFORMERS 2 : THE COLLEGE YEARS

I hated the first Transformers for many, many reasons but now that movie seems like a fond memory compared to the cinematic explosive diarrhea that is Transformers 2. It's like Michael Bay & Steven Spielberg are the '2 Girls' and special effects studio ILM is the '1 cup' and well, you can imagine the rest of that metaphor. I'm not shocked it made a ton of money, hey I shelled out for it, I also took a 20 minute nap in the middle because my brain was bleeding and I had gone temporarily deaf.

So Shia LaBeouf goes to college and just seems totally annoyed with any Transformer all together, even his homies like Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. So he's off to college and wants to leave all this robot shit behind but his roomie ends up being some conspiracy theory nut and Shia has all these epileptic fits where he does equations in Webdings font. Actually the only part of the movie I liked was the slutty Decepticon chic who tries to seduce and destroy him in his dorm. Outside of that, nothing is creative (wtf was that tribal shit at the beginning???) and I felt like I was watching the first movie all over again because they just rehashed the same boring desert set for the last 45 minutes of the movie. There's also a scene that takes place underneath a Transformer's nutsack, I shit you not. This is surprising since the special effects are such a mess you usually can't ever tell what it is you're looking at. By all means, save 2.5 hours of your life, even Megan Fox running in slow motion isn't worth it.
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UP! = LEAVE AFTER 15 MINUTES!

Fuck Pixar! There, I said it. 'Finding Nemo' is good, 'Wall-E' is cute, everything else they've done is total garbage and y'all keep drinkin' their Kool-Aid like it's the nectar of the Gods. I'm actually proud of Disney for going back and making their new movie with old school hand-drawn animation (but we'll get to that later). Everyone said this movie was the second coming of Christ but I fucking hate balloons, and I hate whimsical flying houses and jolly, fat kids so it just looked like more Pixar garbage to me, and I was 95% right!

You've probably heard it around already, but the first 15 minutes or so of the movie are awesome. Well, it opens with a short film about clouds making baby animals which is really fuckin' cute, and I would have rather seen a whole movie about that instead of the crap-fest that followed. Then the first 15 minutes of 'Up' are so good, everyone in the theater was crying, otherwise you have no human soul and demons should drag you to hell. I wished I was watching a film fest of animated shorts, Pixar should stick with that instead of their feature length bullshit. Everything afterwords was so boring and trite I was praying for it to end. I loved 3D, I saw it in 3D, it still sucked. Sure it's predictable, you might smirk here and there, but the journey isn't even fun. Why do you people like this shit? Are you the same people who think Transformers is better than The Dark Knight?! What is wrong with you?!
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BRUNO = IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY!!!

Any and every Bruno segment of 'Da Ali G Show' is way more entertaining than this movie. I had high hopes for this one since 'Borat' was hilarious and this seemed like an even easier prank to pull on the simpletons of middle America. I was wrong. I was worried the satyr of the whole character would be lost on most people, given that fag-bashing is right up there with baseball as one of America's favorite pastimes, but thankfully the majority of that was saved for the grand finale scene. Even so, I couldn't help but feel the same idiots who think 'Transformers' is amazing would think 'Bruno' is hilarious, simply based on the universal hilarity of queer jokes alone.

Oddly enough, they included a scene where an 'ex-gay' converter starts bashing women for being so annoying which, in my opinion, while discrediting himself he actually made the character of Bruno and his scheme even more relatable to the straight, breeding masses in the audience. Lots of women stopped laughing and started gasping. If his opinions are so outlandish towards hetero women, then what makes his opinion of gay men any more credible??? That might be the only redeeming part of this movie. Sure, Bruno has funny, crude, in-your-face setups but they come off as awkward and unsettling (especially the baby casting calls with parents and the swingers party). The best material is in the trailers so don't hold your breath for anything better. Also, an 8 year old boy and his mother sat next to me, which made everything more awkward. She tried covering his eyes for the first few scandalous scenes, but after realizing the whole movie would only get worse (duh) she gave up and let him watch the rest. And the 'Mother of the Year' award goes too...
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HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-ASSED PLOT

So Warner Brothers makes us wait a year and a half for this movie because they were afraid 'Twilight' would steal it's pre-pubescent, tweenage girl thunder and they wanted a big summer opening? I bought advanced tix, waited in line for a midnight showing and all I got was some lame-ass transition movie where nothing happens and it's all just tween romance drama and set-up for the final films, in the next 2 to 3 years?!?!

This movie was just an extended, supernatural episode of 'Gossip Girl'. It's all high school romance, whimsical flirty bullshit and NOTHING HAPPENS! The movie is almost 3 hours long and all you get is some coy he said/ she said nonsense and that's it. I waited in a crazy ass line full of nerds wearing wizard hats and capes and shit but I would have stayed there to take pictures of them rather than roll my eyes for 3 hours at this craptastic excuse for a summer movie. It's all transition exposition, no magic, no effects except some smokey shit, and that's all. Even my friends who love this book the most in the series were disappointed. Rent it, skip it, or just read it and wait for the final 2 films.
P.S. Every summer movie has sucked so far. Will 'The Hurt Locker' be my favorite?

BUSTIN MAKES ME FEEL GOOD

I am buying Powerball tickets every week until I win that shit so I can buy this sweet ride, the real life Ecto-1 ectomobile from Ghostbusters! This shit is on ebay RIGHT NOW for a cool $150,000. I might as well just buy some junk and duct tape it to the side of my Buick Lesabre and paint the logo on, that's as close as I'll ever get. Are they still doing that MTV show Pimp My Ride? Cuz this is what I would get. This dude gives all the details in his

ebay ad here.

Aaannnnd, he made a youtube commercial for it too, which I suggest skipping around cuz it's more like an infomercial running at 10 mins. long. But still, the dude tricked out the inside with all the bells and whistles including a Slimer ghost radar, Ghostbuster uniforms, neon green ground effects, the actual siren noise AND Bose speakers pumping the themesong!!!

I know I've said the DeLorean is my ultimate dream-mobile, and Michael Jackson's Peter Pan golf cart too, but this one takes the cake. This would make me the official King of Halloween! FOREVERRRR!!!

Who Knew Julia Roberts Was So Fucking Funny?!

I guess the role of Erin Brockavich wasn't that much of stretch for her after all. Or it just rubbed off on her a little. Come to think of it, there's been a few paparazzi videos of her swearing like a sailor too lately, so maybe this is the new Julia post-motherhood. When this story made the rounds online everyone made it sound like she was wasted and it was embarrassing, but in this clip she just seems buzzed and like she doesn't give a fuck and the crowd loves it and it's hilarious.
AUDIO is NSFW! lotta f bombs, just fyi.

Trailer Trash: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, They Came From Upstairs, Shorts, Hurt Locker, Descent 2, Paper Heart, Drag Me To Hell

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST = GHOSTS OF MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S CAREER

Yet another actor who's made a career playing one character, himself, in every film. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Failure To Launch, Fools Gold, The Wedding Planner, etc. Now all of those movies have joined forces with the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, to bring you the ultimate holiday rom-com mashup explosion, which nobody will see except me and some 15 year old girls.

THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS = Gremlins + The Three Stooges + The Matrix + ?

I think this was supposed to be straight to dvd, but might get a summer theatrical release? Shit, I hope not. The original trailer gave a release date in February but now it says July. It's basically Gremlins but more zany slapstick crap, all cgi creatures, and some stupid Matrix-style action. Starring Ashley 'Nosejob' Jizzdale from High School Musical and the hot guy from You Got Served and Step Up 2 and the grandma from...everything (Everyone Loves Raymond, Grandma's Boy, Christmas Vacation, etc), has she been 72 for 15 years?!

SHORTS = Bedtime Stories for cool kids?

Leave it to Robert Rodriguez to still be the only guy in Hollywood coming up with fun, funny, creative movies for kids. He can go back and forth from Sin City and From Dusk Til Dawn to Spy Kids and Sharkboy & Lavagirl (in 3D, before 3D was cool again). Now he's got 'Shorts' which is similar to a 'wishes coming true and going crazy' premise like Disney's Adam Sandler family crapfest from last Christmas, Bedtime Stories, but looks cooler. C'mon, he uses 'Kickstart My Heart' by Motley Crue in the trailer, SOLD!

THE HURT LOCKER = a middle east war movie that actually looks good?

This won some festival award, and is directed by Kathryn Bigelow (Strange Days, Point Break, Near Dark) and it looks rad. I know, I know, another 'soldiers in Iraq' movie, lots of dirt, beige fatigues, sweaty dramatic scenes where the down-home country American soldier has to decide weather to save a soldier or an Iraqi baby, shit like that, but this looks better. Give the trailer a chance.

THE DESCENT 2 = Why are you going back in the cave full of monsters you dumbass!?!

A sketchy follow up to the sleeper horror hit from a few years ago. I like when sequels pick up right where the original left off, but this trailer makes it look like a fan-made Sci-Fi Channel sequel on a fraction of the budget. It even looks like they used some leftover stock footage from the original...? Recession editing? So my expectations are pretty low, but I will give it a chance.

PAPER HEARTS = cute barf

If you told me the idea of this movie, I would have said "Nick & Nora part 2? hell naaww." But this trailer actually looks pretty damn cute. I'm not into Michael Cera playing himself in every movie ever, always wearing the same hoodie in various colors. He looks like a baby vampire and I'm over it. If it weren't for the asian girl, I would probably hate this movie. Somewhere, buried deep within my rotten, boozey shell...there might be a heart, a tiny Grinch heart that palpitates, but it's there somewhere.

Ok, ok, one last good one then I'm done...
DRAG ME TO HELL = HELLZ JEEEAAHH!!!

Sam Raimi finally took a break from that Spiderman waste of time to get back to his horror roots and kick out this movie which looks awesome! Some old gypsy can't get a home loan at the bank so she curses the bank lady and proceeds to scare the shit out of her before she 'drags her to hell'. It's kind of like that Stephen King movie 'Thinner' except updated to reflect the financial struggles of modern day gypsies, like mortgage payments and home foreclosures and hygiene.

Trader Joe's Commercial

This is so accurate and hysterical it should be an actual commercial. Hell, why not have an entire DIY viral commercial contest? This guy already set the bar pretty high though and shot entirely on his Palm Treo. If you frequent your local TJ's, you will love this. Store 87 W00T!