SUMMER MOVIE REVIEWS: STAR TREK, ANGELS & DEMONS

STAR TREK = TOP GUN + NERDS vs. FRATS + BACK 2 THE FUTURE PART 2

Star Date: Last Monday, Afternoonish
I am not a Trekkie, I don't care about Klingons and shit, but this was a fun. Yeah, it's flawed, but all in all they found a good balance between pleasing the hardcore Trekkies & keeping the general masses entertained.
>>> SPECIFICS & SPOILERS AHEAD <<<
Thank God I saw this twice because after the first time I had no idea what the 'Back 2 The Future' alternate future plot was all about. It's still kinda blurry but I get the gist of it. It's also totally Top Gun-ish cuz Kirk is this bad boy maverick pilot who breaks all the rules and gets all the ladies (even the green ones); Joyriding, drinking, Beastie Boys, motorcycles, barroom brawls, leather jackets, etc. I like that they made Spock a total badass too, and he has a thang for chocolate sistas, but I could not get past the fact that he would have a smooth, cherub alien baby face in one shot, then total grizzly 5 o'clock shadow in the next! Either vulcan's have crazy hormones or Zach Quinto is a total otter (gay term for slim hairy dudes, like 'bear' but skinny).

Kirk & Spock form a lifelong bromance here, so do Kirk & Bones, so do Kirk & the original Enterprise captain he saves, and maybe Eric Bana's alien character secretly loves Kirk too...lots of m4m action goin on, but hey, what happens in an alternate future black hole, STAYS in an alternate future black hole.

Speaking of alternate future black holes...Tyler Perry cameo? NOT in zany-old-black-lady drag??? Most people didn't recognize him but I sure as hell did cuz I see all his movies. Along with alternate future grandma Winona Ryder? Big ups to J.J. Abrams for the random casting, but he also loses points for Simon Pegg and his nubby-eyed alien sidekick. British people are NOT funny! Simon Pegg, Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand, Monty Python? Y'all are being duped! You need some real American comedy like Larry the Cable Guy, Lisa Lampenelli and Jeff Foxworthy. Git-R-Done!

Mad props to the Starfleet Federation for being an equal opportunity employer. There have been many races (fictional and real) represented throughout the franchise, from Whoopi Goldberg to Lavar Burton. Unfortunately, the new school Uhura, played by Zoe Saldana from 'Center Stage' and 'Crossroads', gets upstaged by her Tyra-esque ponytail weave in almost every scene, being whipped around like a magical dragon tail! Sidebar: I loved how Kirk gets exiled to an arctic planet, climbs out of an ice crater in a blizzard, and just stands there wearing some destressed jeans and a fitted sweater looking like a Diesel ad.

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ANGELS & DEMONS = 3 HAIL MARYS

This was like the film equivalent of Kurt Warner throwing a last minute hail mary pass to win the Super Bowl: FAIL! I haven't read the books but I thought The Da Vinci Code was way better. Angels & Demons has a cool premise but rushes to a retarded ending that is so rediculous you can't help but laugh and not care who wins. Nobody told me Ewan McGregor was in it, so I was already annoyed as soon as his soulless lizard-man eyes appeared on screen (not a fan). I love Illuminati conspiracy theories, but this story goes beyond 'what if' into a magical fantasy land with scenes where you can feel the audience collectively roll their eyes and give up. It's not like Jesus himself shows up and walks on water and shoots lasers out of his eyes, but it's enough to make you forget the 'Se7en' kinda journey and leave a bad taste in your mouth. Don't even get me started on the absurd CGI interior Vatican scenes that look so fake I would be less shocked to see Gollum waiting in line at Starbucks.

M83 vs. ANTM

I don't think you have to be a fan of either M83 or America's Next Top Model to appreciate this fan made music video, but if you ARE a fan of both then it's awesome. The song carries it of course, this cycle of ANTM was noteworthy (feat. McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, Clark, Elina and Isis the tranny!), and the editing is surprisingly good. It all fits together and even feels sorta nostalgic?

MOVIE REVIEWS: Obsessed, Wolverine, The Wackness, Synechdoche NY, The Visitor etc.

Obsessed = Fatal Attraction + The Temp + booorrring

I had such high camp hopes for Obsessed when I hyped the trailer months ago but it was a total let down. Aside from a fight scene and funny line here and there, it is mostly Ali Larter being a sexy psycho getting tips from the resident office gossip, the gay receptionist, and countless random shots of Beyonce staring out of windows while a Sia song is playing. As expected, the entire movie is in the trailer so no surprises here. Beyonce's character was just annoying, probably cuz Beyonce only played a one-note ABW (angry black woman), but to be fair, that's all she was given. So I had to research the writer of this movie, David Loughery, wrote "Lakeview Terrace" ", "Money Train" and "Passenger 57"...but also "The 3 Musketeers", "Star Trek V" and an episode of the 80's TV show "Hart to Hart"??? What kind of resume is that? Who are you David Loughery?

X-MEN Origins: Wolverine = Made me want to do this...

X-Men...stick a fork in it, it's done. X-Men 3 sucked so hard I wasn't expecting much from Wolverine. Granted I watched it online, without finalized special effects, but it still sucked. I'm officially done with X-Men movies. 1 was ok, 2 was the best, 3 was God-aweful, and this spin-off was the last nail in the coffin. Goodbye X-Men movies, farewell Halle Berry's white wig and white eyes, so long Rebecca Romeijn's naked, blue, scaley body, this franchise is dead.

The Wackness = The Wiggerness

Yo, yo, yo! What is crack-a-lacking my homies? 1994 is the bomb.
I thought this movie looked retarded and guess what, it is. It's like a white Jew from NYC saw the movie 'Kids' and heard a Notorius B.I.G. song and decided to make those his new lifestyle. (You know he was really just sitting at home watching Party of 5 and listening to Counting Crows). Since idiots believe every piece of pigeon shit in New York is the coolest thing in the world, cuz it's from New York, he wrote a screenplay about himself 10 years later, cuz drugs are sooo urban, and he's so prolific, throw in an Olson twin and an oddly proportioned Ben Kingsley in a tiny hat, and cast a dopey-Disney-channel-tween-star-trying-to-be-edgy as himself and presto...The Wiggerness! We're really supposed to believe some slow white stoner sold a ton of weed out of an ice cream cart in the middle of NYC and the cops were none the wiser? and he never got jumped? and Method Man is his Jamaican dealer? This movie is the definition of TRYING WAY TOO HARD, and failing.

Synecdoche, New York = ???
This movie just screamed 'I'm crazy and totally self-indulgent, please look at meeee, pay attention to meeee!', but then I realized that's also kind of the point. The dude spends his life, making a massive play about his life that never gets performed because he keeps adding everything from his life to the play, so it just goes in circles for years until you're exhausted and want to die. I liked the themes throughout the film, that life is fleeting and everyone is the star of their own life, and it's similar to David Lynch's "Inland Empire" where the lines between real life and performance get blurred, but I'm still not sure how to pronounce the damn title so I can't say much more, except the end credits song "Little Person" was my favorite part. It's on itunes and it's great.


The Visitor = Asshole businessman feels empty inside, discovers inner-city drum circles, becomes slightly enlightened, starts questioning American immigration policy. It was like 'Crash' meets 'Rent' meets Burning Man, meets me pressing the 'eject disc' button after 20 minutes.


Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys = Not as racist as the poster???

Hmmmm...this should have been the poster for "Obsessed" as there is an actual choking fight scene in that movie, but this movie is just about prejudice and money and Christian morals and the usual Tyler Perry preachy bullshit.

Who Knew Julia Roberts Was So Fucking Funny?!

I guess the role of Erin Brockavich wasn't that much of stretch for her after all. Or it just rubbed off on her a little. Come to think of it, there's been a few paparazzi videos of her swearing like a sailor too lately, so maybe this is the new Julia post-motherhood. When this story made the rounds online everyone made it sound like she was wasted and it was embarrassing, but in this clip she just seems buzzed and like she doesn't give a fuck and the crowd loves it and it's hilarious.
AUDIO is NSFW! lotta f bombs, just fyi.

Soooweee!!!

Hey everyone, it's pandemic time!
The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this is just another government ploy to divert attention away from the economy, give a boost in productivity for pharmecutical companies, and as usual keep America scared. Or could this be 'The Big One' scientists have warned about for years? Whatever it is it just feels like the 3rd installment of some bad horror trilogy on the Sci-Fi network. First was "Sars" in 2003?, then "Bird Flu" in 2005?, now the final chapter of biohazard horror trilogy...
"Just when you thought it was safe to eat bacon: Pig Flu!"



It's a scary thought, 28 Days Later and shit like that coming true, but given the previous pandemic track record, and the fact that all of them combined are nothing compared to AIDS and Malaria, you can't help but question the media hype. People started wearing masks around town when Bird Flu was all the rage, and now it's a song by M.I.A. so what do they expect us to do? All I can think about is, if/when Pig Flu sweeps the nation, will it feel like this???....

911 Needs A Drive-Thru!

Given these hard economic times, people ain't takin no mess, from nobody! Especially when it comes to getting your grub on from the drive-thru value menus. This has led to a recent outbreak of customers rising up against the corporate fat cats to get what they rightfully paid for. There's no time to call those robot 1-800 feedback lines, or fill out the customer service surveys online, you want your food, you paid for it with a ziplock bag of loose change so you go straight to the authorities and call 911! I'm pretty sure I've been stuck in line behind these people my entire life.

Scene of Crime: A&D Buffalo's, Haltom City, Texas
Ordered: Shrimp Fried Rice w/ extra shrimp
Received: Shrimp Fried Rice NO extra shrimp
Damages: loss of $1.62
Sidebar: She did leave with her food, then come back to file the complaint. For all we know she was scamming free shrimp for a cookout down the street.


Scene of Crime: McDonald's, Fort Pierce, Florida
Ordered: 10 piece Chicken Mcnuggets & small fries
Received: citation for misuse of 911
Damages: approx. $5
Sidebar: I'm siding with Latreasa on this one, no nuggs, no refund? ba da ba baa baaa, I'm NOT lovin' it


UPDATE: victim defends her case in an interview, claims "iwantedtohandlemattersinmyownhands" and "i was a young lady and called the police"


You know she saw this commercial one too many times, girrrl you got a 10 piece please don't be stingaaayy...


Scene of Crime: Burger King, Laguna Nigel, California
Ordered: Western BBQ Burger...for her kids she just picked up from Tae-Kwon-Do
Received: Hamburger w/ lettuce, tomato, cheese, onion
Damages: approx. $3
Sidebar: Big ups to the 911 dispatcher on this one, "What are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?"

WHY I NEED AN iPHONE

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake...shake that baby! shake that baby!

This new app is reason enough for me to get an iphone. It's a drawing of an old-timey baby that cries and you have to shake your iphone to shut it up and it dies and red Family Feud X's cover it's eyes. Awwweeesooomme! Perfect for long flights or waiting in line at Target or anywhere.

It showed up Monday and was pulled Wednesday because a bunch of mommy warrior coalition types complained. You know the type, they have a glass case full of Beanie Babies and Marie Osmand dolls in their bedroom, they buy all that little baby angel shit from truckstops and carwashes, they worship Anne Geddes calenders of naked babies sleeping on a cabbage. That would be the ultimate ap, if we combined Baby Shaker with Anne Geddes photography, like this...

Trailer Trash: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, They Came From Upstairs, Shorts, Hurt Locker, Descent 2, Paper Heart, Drag Me To Hell

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST = GHOSTS OF MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S CAREER

Yet another actor who's made a career playing one character, himself, in every film. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Failure To Launch, Fools Gold, The Wedding Planner, etc. Now all of those movies have joined forces with the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, to bring you the ultimate holiday rom-com mashup explosion, which nobody will see except me and some 15 year old girls.

THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS = Gremlins + The Three Stooges + The Matrix + ?

I think this was supposed to be straight to dvd, but might get a summer theatrical release? Shit, I hope not. The original trailer gave a release date in February but now it says July. It's basically Gremlins but more zany slapstick crap, all cgi creatures, and some stupid Matrix-style action. Starring Ashley 'Nosejob' Jizzdale from High School Musical and the hot guy from You Got Served and Step Up 2 and the grandma from...everything (Everyone Loves Raymond, Grandma's Boy, Christmas Vacation, etc), has she been 72 for 15 years?!

SHORTS = Bedtime Stories for cool kids?

Leave it to Robert Rodriguez to still be the only guy in Hollywood coming up with fun, funny, creative movies for kids. He can go back and forth from Sin City and From Dusk Til Dawn to Spy Kids and Sharkboy & Lavagirl (in 3D, before 3D was cool again). Now he's got 'Shorts' which is similar to a 'wishes coming true and going crazy' premise like Disney's Adam Sandler family crapfest from last Christmas, Bedtime Stories, but looks cooler. C'mon, he uses 'Kickstart My Heart' by Motley Crue in the trailer, SOLD!

THE HURT LOCKER = a middle east war movie that actually looks good?

This won some festival award, and is directed by Kathryn Bigelow (Strange Days, Point Break, Near Dark) and it looks rad. I know, I know, another 'soldiers in Iraq' movie, lots of dirt, beige fatigues, sweaty dramatic scenes where the down-home country American soldier has to decide weather to save a soldier or an Iraqi baby, shit like that, but this looks better. Give the trailer a chance.

THE DESCENT 2 = Why are you going back in the cave full of monsters you dumbass!?!

A sketchy follow up to the sleeper horror hit from a few years ago. I like when sequels pick up right where the original left off, but this trailer makes it look like a fan-made Sci-Fi Channel sequel on a fraction of the budget. It even looks like they used some leftover stock footage from the original...? Recession editing? So my expectations are pretty low, but I will give it a chance.

PAPER HEARTS = cute barf

If you told me the idea of this movie, I would have said "Nick & Nora part 2? hell naaww." But this trailer actually looks pretty damn cute. I'm not into Michael Cera playing himself in every movie ever, always wearing the same hoodie in various colors. He looks like a baby vampire and I'm over it. If it weren't for the asian girl, I would probably hate this movie. Somewhere, buried deep within my rotten, boozey shell...there might be a heart, a tiny Grinch heart that palpitates, but it's there somewhere.

Ok, ok, one last good one then I'm done...
DRAG ME TO HELL = HELLZ JEEEAAHH!!!

Sam Raimi finally took a break from that Spiderman waste of time to get back to his horror roots and kick out this movie which looks awesome! Some old gypsy can't get a home loan at the bank so she curses the bank lady and proceeds to scare the shit out of her before she 'drags her to hell'. It's kind of like that Stephen King movie 'Thinner' except updated to reflect the financial struggles of modern day gypsies, like mortgage payments and home foreclosures and hygiene.

REVIEWS: Towelhead vs Baghead, The Last House on the Left, Doomsday, Get Smart, Let the Right One In

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Spoilers ahead, but nothin good, just FYI

Towelhead is about an arab teenage girl, coming of age in suburban America.
Baghead is about 4 horny indie filmmakers, getting drunk in a cabin in the woods.

Towelhead is a reference to a racial slur directed towards Mid-Eastern peoples.
Baghead is a reference to a mysterious stalker with a paper bag on his head.

Towelhead is basically a post-9/11 American Beauty.
Baghead is basically a post-Punk'd Blair Witch Project.

Towelhead has a budget, and Aaron Eckhart as an army vet/pedo (hey, Alan Ball, why do all your characters live next to a crazy army vet?)
Baghead doesn't have a budget, and some guy named Ross Partridge with Elvis hair who would make a great neighbor.

Towelhead = 3 towels
Baghead = 2.5 bags

The Last House On The Left = Are you fucking kidding me?!

I know it's a remake from an older version, but still, what's the point? Do you want to pay $10 to snuggle with your girlfriend/boyfriend and watch a bunch of meth-heads rape the shit out of some teenage girls and kill them? No thanks. Why is this even relevant? Sure it just makes the parental revenge scenes that much more dramatic but who wants to watch any of this shit in the first place? I only watched it cuz I liked the 'Sweet Child O Mine' cover in the trailer, but I am really disturbed that this is now standard 'horror movie' material for the next gen kids. Where my Gremlins at?

Doomsday = 2 exploding heads

This is just Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 2009.
And I can't get past the fact that the main chic is clearly Kate Beckinsale's long lost twin, also related to Bush twin Barbera, and Maura Tierney from E.R.
Seriously, are these all the same actress? or do they all have the same agent? or same plastic surgeon?

This movie was some Scottish person's faux remake of a Mad Max film with exploding rabbits and Saw-ish gore. Yaaawwwwn-fest.


Get Smart = ???
I don't remember much. It wasn't as bad as the new Steve Martin Pink Panther movies, but it wasn't much better either. If you're 9 you might love it. Sorry, watching The Rock and Steve Carell make out is neither sexy, funny or anything but awkward and a desperate, failed attempt at man-on-man humor.

Let The Right One In = 4 dead Swedish peoples

Finally, a decent vampire flick! Fuck Twilight, fuck Lost Boys 2, this is legit vampire material.
It's Sweden, it's the 80's, it's rad. These kids are neighbors, homies, ride or die. The girl is a vampire but looks out for her bff, this aryan kid who gets picked on relentlessly by some lesbian and her crew. It's creepy and stylish and awesome and apparently getting an American remake coming soon, and sure to suck. Probably starring Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens. So see the original before they turn it into Teen Wolf 2009 The Musical!

animated gif's courtesy of http://fourfour.typepad.com/

REVIEW: WATCHMEN = 3.5 Blueballs

Not really spoilers ahead, just specifics.

I know, I know, Dr. Manhattan's nudity has been discussed to death, but I just saw this movie so my turn! Besides, it's just Lawnmower Man 1992 'virtual reality' kind of nudity anyway. I still liked that he replicated himself during his sex scene resulting in a Blue Man Group 4 way. Apparently, the Blue Man Group guys jizz in neon colors (see photo above), poor girl must look like Jackson Pollack afterwards.

Anyway, I had no prior knowledge of the Watchmen and the trailer looked like it was for "Beyond the Mind's Eye 5", those 90's trippy computer animation clips that were just glorified screensavers. And the near 3 hour runtime also scared me, but if I could sit through Australia, I could definitely make it through Watchmen. My favorite part of the entire thing was actually the opening credits sequence. I fucking hate Bob Dylan, and yeah it was all really Forrest Gump-esque, but that lesbian kiss/murder scene blew my mind. The character is Silhouette and they don't show her for the rest of the movie! I want a whole spinoff movie just about her!

Also, nobody told me 2-time MVP, Phoenix Suns All-star Steve Nash played Rorschach, the dude with the changing inkblot mask who can seriously fuck you up in prison, or anywhere. I had to look him up on imdb.com to make sure they weren't brothers cuz that is some uncanny shit! Maybe their mother's had the same milkman, something.

The dudes in the lobby afterwards confirmed my observations, this movie doesn't have much action, but the action it does have is very brutal.

Siderbar: I don't care what you indie rock music elitist assholes say, the music in this movie ruled! Bob Dylan and that Janis Joplin song aside, I liked the rest of it. It was really dated obvious pop in your face things like "99 Luft Balloons" by that German chic, and "Boogie Man" by K.C. & the Sunshine Band during a street riot and Hendrix, Nat King Cole, Simon & Garfunkel and Leonard Cohen. But also the subtle cues like the Musak instrumental of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" in the background of the scene where all the press are interviewing Ozymandias. Just cuz someone uses pop music, doesn't mean they don't know of anything else. If you did an all indie obscure soundtrack for a movie everyone would think you are choosing unknown acts just for that reason alone, same rational, so go fuck yourself.

Speaking of Ozymandias. He's the gay Donald Trump...right? They show him hitting up Studio 54 in the intro with David Bowie and Mick Jagger, and he's this skinny, blonde, metro-looking billionaire with a giant purple Egyptian tiger pet thing ala Sigfried & Roy. Also he references his idol, Alexander the Great, gaaaaaaaaaay. Not sure if they touch on that in the graphic novel but it's spelled out all over the screen. Here is some random fan art I found regarding the subject...

Watchmen is not your typical superhero movie at all, which is probably why I got hooked. There is a lot more focus on complex character development rather than blow-em-up action scenes. From someone who knew nothing about it, and didn't even want to see it, I ending up loving it for all it's tongue in cheek humor, brutally violent action, mentally disturbed Forrest Gumpish awesomeness.