Damn y'all!...it's not even Valentine's Day yet and all kinds of shit is goin down! I guess when you're being honored during the shortest month of the year you gotta make every day count. Now that all the Kwanzaa sales are over, let's recap the BHM highlights so far...
- OBAMAAAAAAA!!! : yeah he was elected in November and inaugerated in January but NOW he is commander in chief and has a lot of shit to deal with so we get to see what this hardcore halfrican is made of. Bring it Obama! You own this! (ps. get your wife a new stylist ASAP, and get Sasha and Malia a dog already so people will stop talking about it.)
- OPRAAAHHHH!!! : actually, Oprah has been pretty boring lately cuz she's all about weight loss for the millionth time. Bitch who cares? You're a billionaire and you're over 50! oh wait...weight loss resolutions, selling your magazine...i get it, you don't care you're just chasin that paper. "I N D E P E N D E N T do you know what that means? You got your own house, your own car..." you know the song.
- Chris Brown vs. Rihanna FIGHT! : In one corner we have Chris Brown, great dancer, overdone shitty robot-voice, I only like "Wall to Wall", your 2 episode guest starring role on The OC sucked and you have a lisp, your song "Forever" is one of the absolute worst songs I've ever heard and it incorporates lyrics to tie in to a fucking Doublemint gum commercial which is also horrid. And in the other corner we have Rihanna, totally hot, also overdone shitty robot-voice, I prefer songs from your first album when you were still a caribbean queen like "Pon de Replay" "If It's Lovin That You Want" and why wasn't "Let Me" a single?! That is my jaaammm! But if I have to hear "Disturbia" one more time I'm going to punch myself in the gennies and quit releasing the same album over and over 3 months later with 2 more shitty songs tacked on. Also get a new stylist cuz your 'futuristic-stripper-on-a-budget' clothes are your current stylist's idea of a cruel joke that keeps on happening. Anyway, I'm on team Rihanna obviously. You can do way better than Lisp Brown and if he's gettin all Ike Turner on your ass you need to put all his shit in a BMW and light it on fire like you was waitin' to exhale!
Lil' Kim!!! : First of all I love you, always have, always will. Biggie was your pimp/boyfriend whatever, you still got beef with his main ho Faith Evans especially with this Notorious movie, you went to prison rather than ratting out your Junior Mafia homies, you are a ride-or-die bitch to the core! You rap about 'pearls in your pussy and diamonds in your ass crack' and I can't get enough. You are a fashion icon, plastic surgery junkie and my black Barbie 4 life! Now you are going on Dancing With the Stars?! ABC is owned by Disney and they are not ready for your bleached-skin ass to tear that shit up and for your hardcore fans to vote you to win it all! I can't wait to see what kind of bat-shit crazy outfits you will wear and never thought I'd be excited to see an episode of DWTS ever til now. QUEEN BEE!!!
There are many more things I could list like Usher's wife getting botched plastic surgery in Brazil, the youngest coach in history to let the mafia buy and sell his Superbowl win, Lil Wayne winning a bunch of Grammy's for being a retard, Whitney Houston's supposed comeback, Jennifer Hudson's actual comeback, Tyler Perry probably took a shit somewhere, etc etc who knows what's next?! To be continued, til then I'll leave you with my new jam of the week, I know Lil Wayne is featured and he raps "I hope your vagina tight" and I hate him but it's still my jam.
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