Reviews: Bride Wars, Gran Torino, The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Unborn, Taken, My Bloody Valentine 3D

BRIDE WARS = MY SUPER SWEET MID-TWENTIES!!!

Is this shit for real?! Given the popularity of MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and some other channel's "Bridezillas!" this movie sounds like a sure thing. But some genius producer decides if they want to appeal to the age ranges of each show they will need a PG rating from the MPAA, which basically means the entire movie is in the trailer and you could show it to a 6 year old while you 'babysit' aka give your bf an hj. Shit, I am willing to bet "Marley & Me" is more traumatizing to children than this crap. Even the "My Super Sweet Sixteen" made for MTV movie is more risque than 'Bride Wars'. This shit is strictly for the 'Daddy's Disney Princess' aka Gold-Diggers-In-Training aka I-wanna-be-on-the-Real-Housewives-of-OC-2025!

P.S. DUDES! If your girlfriend makes you see this movie, RUN!, run as far in the opposite direction as possible, run to your nearest strip club, just RUNNNN!!!
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GRAN TORINO = CLINT'S EASTWOOD'S AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL, 30 YEARS LATE

Is this seriously supposed to be his final farewell love letter to cinema? Cuz if so, he's lettin his anti-Charlie flag fly high and proud. This movie is basically a glorified After School Special in which a white, curmudgeon, war vet is reluctant to succomb to Korean families/gangs taking over his neighborhood, but then takes a stand against the gangs since the Korean neighbors celebrate him as a hero for defending their family. I'm all for Korean BBQ, as long as the waitresses don't conveniently forget you ordered the 'all-you-can-eat special' and ignore you after 2 minutes. Also, Koreans can't drive for shit, you know it, i know it, we all know it. It's not racist, it's a law of nature. Go ahead and take a casual drive through K-Town and count how many times you almost died, then you saw some vacant Korean woman behind the wheel driving like Helen Keller in a snow storm, wait...Helen Keller driving in a snow storm wouldn't be any different than Helen Keller driving on a sunny day. Anyway, Korean + operating heavy machinery = certain death. So, Clint spends the entire movie growling like a hound in heat and only made me think of all the hours he must have spent perfecting his various growls doing ADR in some studio. Gran Torino is way funnier than Changeling, and just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier, Clint starts 'singing' during the end credits! That was the icing on my geriatric cake.
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THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL = IT STOOD STILL BECAUSE THIS MOVIE WAS SO BORING

How many times are we supposed to watch Keanu Reeves play a goopy, sci-fi, hair-less, fetus man/being and take it seriously? After 3 Matrixes, we're done, we're overdone. And throwing 'funky-urban-haired Will Smith's kid on top of everything only makes me vomit more and turn the movie off sooner, take a shower and praise the heavens I am not a part of the Will/Jada Willow/Jaden Pinkett/Smith family of obviously-Scientologists-in-denial-hell. Yes I like hyphens right now, deal with it.
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THE UNBORN = ABORT! ABORT! MISSION ABORT!

The trailer for this movie is a hundred times better than the actual thing, even though it's all a rip-off of the deleted 'spider-walk' staircase scene from the original 'The Exorcist'. The actual movie was so boring I would have paid to watch the trailer on a 90 minute loop instead of this shit. HOWEVER...whoever this lead chic is, wow! If you could conceive of some heavenly hybrid of Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jennifer Connoly and Pocahontas...i think this is her and she is jammin on the one's and two's. Not sure how she skipped over the porn industry but hopefully she has more mainstream, feature films lined up. FYI, half the audience left after an hour or less so if you think I'm too Judge Judy, it was a collective opinion.
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TAKEN = EYE FOR AN EYE: THE DADDY VERSION!

Only few people know, but there was a jammin thriller from the 90's called 'Eye For An Eye' starring Sally Field as the mother of a raped/murdered teen daughter, out for vengance against the released rapist Kiefer Sutherland. The opening scene, at the birthday party, with the ice sculpture, and Sally's balloons while she's stuck in traffic (not her breasts, actual party balloons)...y'all know what i'm talkin' about. Very tense. Anyway, 'Taken' is like the modern day male version of 'Eye for an Eye'. It's good, short, sweet, action packed, sexy, dangerous, not so bad for a January thriller (since this is the time of year studios usually dump all their garbage in hope of some turnover). It is what it is, better than Hotel For Dogs or Mall Cop I'm sure.
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MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D = MY BORING SERIAL KILLER MINER IN 3D

The og MBV is still one of the scariest 80's slasher movies I've always loved but has never gotten much recognition. Y'all know I loves seeing any movie in 3D and, while this one is fun at times, I was still boooooored to death. They should hang canary cages in the theater to determine how boring this movie is so if the bird falls asleep you know you should get a refund or sneak into something else. Sure there's like a 15 minute scene of a fully naked chic running around but still, the rest is a yawn fest. They even manage to morph the main female lead into a full on, lesbianesque-flannel-wearing-Lohan-look-alike and I was still dying for it to END! While fun at some scenes, overall it's so boring I was hoping the killer miner would throw his pick into the projector and end our collective misery. 'Our' meaning me, the only person in the theater.