BLACK HISTORY MONTH RECAP: PARTY OVER

Dang y'all! This month started out as the jump off with Obama and stuff but now it's like someone just turned the lights on at the Century Club at 2am and things aren't lookin' so good. It wasn't all bad, some highs, some lows, where to begin...

THE OSCARS = BLACKOUT!
As far as the acting awards there was only 1 Nubian princess, Taraji P. Henson, and 1 African queen, Viola Davis, both nominated for Best Supporting Actress for two seperate films (neither of which was a Tyler Perry movie!) and they both lost. And just to pour salt in the wound, Marisa Tomei nominated for playing our favorite 'stripper with a heart of gold' in The Wrestler lost as well! Annnnd...just to squeeze lemon juice over the salt in the wound, Robert Downey Jr. also lost for Best Supporting Actor as a white man in black face for Tropic Thunder. Don't get me wrong, I thought Halle Berry was great in Monster's Ball but I really was rooting for Taraji in Benji Buttons, she was awesome. I didn't see Doubt cuz it looks boring. Either way, both of these ladies are livin' it up cuz they look great and one played opposite Meryl Streep and the other opposite Brad Pitt in nominated rolls so move over Halle, you got some new competish in town and they aren't just R'n'B crossover stars anymore. Speaking of which, R.I.P. Aaliyah, you've been all over my ipod lately and I miss you baby girl.

TOP CHEF = HOOOOOTY (BOO) HOOOOOOO!!!!
CARLA WAS ROBBED! SABOTAGED BY WHITE DEVIL, CASEY!!!(i love the gif, got it from dlisted who got it from mattchew, whoever you are, i love you)


White devil told her to cook that meat in a bag and do a souffle instead of a tart, and frazzled Carla decided to take orders instead of give them, resulting in her upsetting loss. I was an instant Hooty fan from episode one but didn't get attached cuz I was sure she would be gone by episode 5. Little did I know. In the finale, when Carla cried, I cried. She made her food with love, whenever all the other chefs are just chainsmoking cokeheads with faux-hawks. Carla Hall is an inspiration. I cried HOOOTY HOOO to the moon that night and only heard my tears hitting the ground in response. le sigh. If you don't know, now ya know, i've been callin hooty since I saw this, and Wendi is my hoo.


SIDEBAR: Where the hell is the Wendy Williams tv talk show at?
It was a 6 week sneak peek in 4 cities and it was like Tyra meets Chelsea Lately meets some of the View in a dark alley full of trannies. If you know Wendy's radio show, you know her history, if not, youtube her interview with Whitney Houston, Superhead, or anyone else for that matter. This was the highlight catfight of her daytime talkshow and it's pretty good, started off fake and catty then they both turned on the 'bitch switch' tryin to call out eachother's plastic surgery. Just askin Wendy, it's March '09, where you at?!


UNBE-WEAVE-ABLE!!!
Homegirl has been wearing this brassy-ass weave 'for years' and invested a lot of money in it. Well, good investment girl cuz it just saved your brain from a bullet. Her ex-boo tried to shoot her in the head but her weave was all "helllll naaaawwwhhh" and caught that shit! Briana, you need to give your hairdresser a huuuge tip. P.S. I think we drive the same car.



DMX + Arizona = Jail time in 'Tent City' in a Pink-Pajammy-Jammy-Jam!
Sounds like a gay, down-low-thug slumber party but it's actually how our jails roll here in the wild west. You gotta wear pink, and live in a tent in the middle of hot-ass-nowhere-desert with a bunch of other assholes and meth-heads. Poor DMX (Earl Simmons) didn't know these things when he decided to go 100 mph down the freeway in his sunshine yellow 1966 Chevy Nova II with his frickin' name as a windshield decal! In Phoenix, we have photo-radar cameras everywhere, not just red lights. I'm talkin freeways, crosswalks, side-streets with bushes all around 'em, everywhere, it's total bullshit. What I love about the pic above is that I drive by that damn camera, twice a day to and from work, it's right by my house and having his name on his car means he can't contest that at all.

Anyway, I guess he skipped out on court appearances so he's still chillin in a tent some miles away throwing food at guards and actin' a fool up in there. Our Sheriff is Joe Arpaio, so notorious he now has a reality show on the Fox Reality channel that's like Punk'd but instead of high-fiving Ashton Kutcher at the end, you get cuffed and thrown in jail by a douche in a trucker hat. The local news visited him for an interview which is actually pretty interesting cuz he understands Arizona's beauty, which is why he was hangin here callin' it God's country, but then had a run in with the devil. Oh, and now he wants to become a preacher, the gospel according to X, can't wait for THAT album to drop.

And if you're still remotely interested, here is an episode of "Surprise...You're Under Arrest!" in which they convince wanted criminals they will receive $300 if they show up to walk in a 'fashion show', wearing striped prison uniforms, then they get arrested. Duuuuurrrrrrr....


I know there's other stuff to report on, like Taj from SWV on Survivor this season, or 'Medea Goes To Jail' makin a jillion dollars and Rihanna spotted seeing it with friends, and speculation over Michael Jackson dying or swelling or whatever. I chose my favorite, maybe less popular Black History Month stories, and this ain't no leap year so it's ending now, peace out 'til next Feb.

Neverland 'Off The Wall' Yard Sale!

The King of Pop is dealing with the recession by selling off his tacky-ass collection of Las Vegas gift shop furniture, housewares and customized memorabilia. It's a bunch of crazy shit 'Off the Wall' of his Neverland Ranch, for sale to the highest bidder with a few grand to 'Burn This Disco Out'. Prices so low, nobody can 'Beat It'.

'Don't Stop Til You Get Enough' of such 'Unbreakable' items as his fully-functioning, metallic, transformer robot head from Moonwalker. Also, actual scissorhands from Edward Scissorhands the movie! Don't forget about a pair of his bedazzled, reinforced gym socks. The perfect gift for the 'Liberian Girl' in your life. The painting above is some artist's rendering of my own vision of heaven, complete with Gaybraham Lincoln and E.T. the Exrtra-fierce Terrestrial. Hopefully MJ won't be cryin' 'I Wan't You Back' over these precious gems. Especially his tricked out Peter Pan golf cart complete with low-rider-esque hood detailing, my personal favorite, hint hint.

Click here to view full auction gallery courtesy of the guardian UK

CORALINE = THE WEIRDEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN?

And I've seen a LOOOOOOTTTT of shit. Maybe I should clarify; this is the weirdest movie I've ever seen in the theater? I have been trying to think of something weirder but it was all forced, artsy-weird, or just trippy self-aware shit that was trying too hard to be edgy. Yeah, I know this director is trying to be his weird old self too, and maybe I need to read the book to understand some stuff but I'm not getting near any book. This movie was so confusing and bizarre I found myself curled up into a ball towards the end and listening to all the mom's around me go "ummmm...???" as their guilt startled to settle in for subjecting their kids to this. Oh and yeah, I did see it in 3D of course, you know how I roll. Well maybe you don't, but when I roll, I usually roll in 3D. Spy Kids 3D is still my fave. Spoilers ahead!

I know the basic premise of the story but the way it just sort of stumbles over itself, to accentuate Coraline's awkwardness perhaps, makes it hard to follow? Or maybe it was the way I fell asleep somewhere early in the second act and woke up in Crazytown which left me with many unanswered questions. I gathered her parents ignore her and she finds this magical world where everything seems perfect but isn't, but I couldn't figure out why her best friend was this autistic kid who looks like a retarded, grunge-era Cabbage Patch kid in Doc Martens.

Skip to Act 3-ish: There was a tipping point, when I officially realized it was beyond my brain's motivation to comprehend, during some scene where Coraline enters an opera house where a fat stripper is battling a fat mermaid on stage and the audience is full of Scottie dogs with giant grins. Thoughts? Anyone? I gave up after that, and you probably will too unless you are a drunken French clown from Cirque Du Soleil, in which case you would find this movie very obvious and banal.

Teri Hatcher (voice of Coraline's mom) turns from claymation Desperate Housewife, to Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham, to a crazy-robot-spider-alien-lady. Coraline has to collect enough shattered dreams to free herself and the ghost kids she meets in the alternate universe, I think? I don't know, the talking cat was cool though, just make sure you go into this movie with an 'open mind'...and don't try making sense of anything. Here is my ghetto visual aid of the mean Coraline mom/Victoria Beckham similarities. Am I right or am I right?

Trailer Park Roundup

No, you don't need to wrangle in your desert meth labs, this is about movie previews, the good, the bad, the ugly, the Sandra Bullock, let's see what's coming our way in theaters for 2009 besides the obvious Transformers 2, G.I. Joe, which both look jammin'...

PLANET 51

Ok, Thanksgiving isn't 'early 2009' but still. As much as I despise the onslaught of computer animated kid's movies these days, this one actually looks good! I usually hate Pixar (except for Finding Nemo and Wall-E, otherwise they suck) and Shrek was good but Shrek 2 and Shrek 3 and Shrek the Broadway musical?! seriously? Anyway, Planet 51 looks pretty good, martian kids playing hop scotch on crop circle symbols, the multi-mouthed alien from the Alien movies is a house pet, the funny American atronaught is the 'alien', it's cuter than a screaming chipmunk like all these Madagascar/ Over the Hedge/ Ice Age/ Fly Me to the Moon bullshit movies.

THE SOLOIST

Wasn't this supposed to come out months ago? I guess homeless LA crackheads must seem charming and whimsical to Euro-directors cuz this guy just made his swan song for them, probably after staying here for 2 months in a W Hotel over award season a year or two ago. This movie looks hilarious! Jamie Foxx plays a retarded-homeless-crackhead-cello-genius? Robert Downey Jr. plays some weathered newspaper reporter looking for a scoop? They meet in some kind of freeway traffic stand still and have some kind of undiscovered intellectual conntection. Jamie Foxx's jerry curl mullet is enough reason not to see it.

TOKYO!

Finally something good-lookin. I mean, it looks crazy-as-hell but cool. Give me some crazy-ass Michel Gondry shit anyday.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2

Ben Stiller is an asshole, everyone know's it. At least he found a Meet The Fockers follow-up to pay his rent. Kids who liked Social Studies loved the first one so this will blow their pre-pubescent minds! I hope. right?

ALL ABOUT STEVE

Dear Sandy B., I luvs ya, I'm sorry some crazy stalker is trying to kill your boyfriend/fiance?/husband/motorcycle-enthusiast Jesse James. I'm also sorry I didn't pay that fat asshole $15 for a 90's marble plaque with your photo on it and an engraving saying "She is a fan of the internet" at the Fairfax High School Sunday Swap Mart (Wendi knows what i'm talkin bout). So many things we need to discuss, including your return to cinema via this film...? It's like Will & Grace, but if Grace was even more crazy and slutty.

THE PROPOSAL
Hey wait Sandy B. this one doesn't look half bad. Count me in.


ANIME NERDS CONTINUE!!!

DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION

Fucking finally right? This movie is a long time comin' and will be followed up by the Naruto movie starring Dev Patel, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire. Anywhoozle, this Dragonball movie looks kinda cool maybe? Kinda low budge but might be fun.

STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI

Uuuummmmm....where the hell is Chun-Li in this trailer? She's the title character and i saw her for 2 seconds in this preview. Why not call it the Legend of Vega cuz he is featured way more. It looks brokedown anyway.

AVATAR - You anime nerds go bat-shit crazy over Avatar, which I don't undertand. Regardless, this movie is still in production, and Dev Patel from 'Slumdog Millionaire' is involved now and I'm sure you will jizz in your pants about it whenever it comes out. Is there a Naruto Hentai coming soon too?

Black History Month is the JUMP OFF!!!

Damn y'all!...it's not even Valentine's Day yet and all kinds of shit is goin down! I guess when you're being honored during the shortest month of the year you gotta make every day count. Now that all the Kwanzaa sales are over, let's recap the BHM highlights so far...

- OBAMAAAAAAA!!! : yeah he was elected in November and inaugerated in January but NOW he is commander in chief and has a lot of shit to deal with so we get to see what this hardcore halfrican is made of. Bring it Obama! You own this! (ps. get your wife a new stylist ASAP, and get Sasha and Malia a dog already so people will stop talking about it.)

- OPRAAAHHHH!!! : actually, Oprah has been pretty boring lately cuz she's all about weight loss for the millionth time. Bitch who cares? You're a billionaire and you're over 50! oh wait...weight loss resolutions, selling your magazine...i get it, you don't care you're just chasin that paper. "I N D E P E N D E N T do you know what that means? You got your own house, your own car..." you know the song.



- Chris Brown vs. Rihanna FIGHT! : In one corner we have Chris Brown, great dancer, overdone shitty robot-voice, I only like "Wall to Wall", your 2 episode guest starring role on The OC sucked and you have a lisp, your song "Forever" is one of the absolute worst songs I've ever heard and it incorporates lyrics to tie in to a fucking Doublemint gum commercial which is also horrid. And in the other corner we have Rihanna, totally hot, also overdone shitty robot-voice, I prefer songs from your first album when you were still a caribbean queen like "Pon de Replay" "If It's Lovin That You Want" and why wasn't "Let Me" a single?! That is my jaaammm! But if I have to hear "Disturbia" one more time I'm going to punch myself in the gennies and quit releasing the same album over and over 3 months later with 2 more shitty songs tacked on. Also get a new stylist cuz your 'futuristic-stripper-on-a-budget' clothes are your current stylist's idea of a cruel joke that keeps on happening. Anyway, I'm on team Rihanna obviously. You can do way better than Lisp Brown and if he's gettin all Ike Turner on your ass you need to put all his shit in a BMW and light it on fire like you was waitin' to exhale!



Lil' Kim!!! : First of all I love you, always have, always will. Biggie was your pimp/boyfriend whatever, you still got beef with his main ho Faith Evans especially with this Notorious movie, you went to prison rather than ratting out your Junior Mafia homies, you are a ride-or-die bitch to the core! You rap about 'pearls in your pussy and diamonds in your ass crack' and I can't get enough. You are a fashion icon, plastic surgery junkie and my black Barbie 4 life! Now you are going on Dancing With the Stars?! ABC is owned by Disney and they are not ready for your bleached-skin ass to tear that shit up and for your hardcore fans to vote you to win it all! I can't wait to see what kind of bat-shit crazy outfits you will wear and never thought I'd be excited to see an episode of DWTS ever til now. QUEEN BEE!!!

There are many more things I could list like Usher's wife getting botched plastic surgery in Brazil, the youngest coach in history to let the mafia buy and sell his Superbowl win, Lil Wayne winning a bunch of Grammy's for being a retard, Whitney Houston's supposed comeback, Jennifer Hudson's actual comeback, Tyler Perry probably took a shit somewhere, etc etc who knows what's next?! To be continued, til then I'll leave you with my new jam of the week, I know Lil Wayne is featured and he raps "I hope your vagina tight" and I hate him but it's still my jam.

Trader Joe's Commercial

This is so accurate and hysterical it should be an actual commercial. Hell, why not have an entire DIY viral commercial contest? This guy already set the bar pretty high though and shot entirely on his Palm Treo. If you frequent your local TJ's, you will love this. Store 87 W00T!

Reviews: Bride Wars, Gran Torino, The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Unborn, Taken, My Bloody Valentine 3D

BRIDE WARS = MY SUPER SWEET MID-TWENTIES!!!

Is this shit for real?! Given the popularity of MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and some other channel's "Bridezillas!" this movie sounds like a sure thing. But some genius producer decides if they want to appeal to the age ranges of each show they will need a PG rating from the MPAA, which basically means the entire movie is in the trailer and you could show it to a 6 year old while you 'babysit' aka give your bf an hj. Shit, I am willing to bet "Marley & Me" is more traumatizing to children than this crap. Even the "My Super Sweet Sixteen" made for MTV movie is more risque than 'Bride Wars'. This shit is strictly for the 'Daddy's Disney Princess' aka Gold-Diggers-In-Training aka I-wanna-be-on-the-Real-Housewives-of-OC-2025!

P.S. DUDES! If your girlfriend makes you see this movie, RUN!, run as far in the opposite direction as possible, run to your nearest strip club, just RUNNNN!!!
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GRAN TORINO = CLINT'S EASTWOOD'S AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL, 30 YEARS LATE

Is this seriously supposed to be his final farewell love letter to cinema? Cuz if so, he's lettin his anti-Charlie flag fly high and proud. This movie is basically a glorified After School Special in which a white, curmudgeon, war vet is reluctant to succomb to Korean families/gangs taking over his neighborhood, but then takes a stand against the gangs since the Korean neighbors celebrate him as a hero for defending their family. I'm all for Korean BBQ, as long as the waitresses don't conveniently forget you ordered the 'all-you-can-eat special' and ignore you after 2 minutes. Also, Koreans can't drive for shit, you know it, i know it, we all know it. It's not racist, it's a law of nature. Go ahead and take a casual drive through K-Town and count how many times you almost died, then you saw some vacant Korean woman behind the wheel driving like Helen Keller in a snow storm, wait...Helen Keller driving in a snow storm wouldn't be any different than Helen Keller driving on a sunny day. Anyway, Korean + operating heavy machinery = certain death. So, Clint spends the entire movie growling like a hound in heat and only made me think of all the hours he must have spent perfecting his various growls doing ADR in some studio. Gran Torino is way funnier than Changeling, and just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier, Clint starts 'singing' during the end credits! That was the icing on my geriatric cake.
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THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL = IT STOOD STILL BECAUSE THIS MOVIE WAS SO BORING

How many times are we supposed to watch Keanu Reeves play a goopy, sci-fi, hair-less, fetus man/being and take it seriously? After 3 Matrixes, we're done, we're overdone. And throwing 'funky-urban-haired Will Smith's kid on top of everything only makes me vomit more and turn the movie off sooner, take a shower and praise the heavens I am not a part of the Will/Jada Willow/Jaden Pinkett/Smith family of obviously-Scientologists-in-denial-hell. Yes I like hyphens right now, deal with it.
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THE UNBORN = ABORT! ABORT! MISSION ABORT!

The trailer for this movie is a hundred times better than the actual thing, even though it's all a rip-off of the deleted 'spider-walk' staircase scene from the original 'The Exorcist'. The actual movie was so boring I would have paid to watch the trailer on a 90 minute loop instead of this shit. HOWEVER...whoever this lead chic is, wow! If you could conceive of some heavenly hybrid of Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jennifer Connoly and Pocahontas...i think this is her and she is jammin on the one's and two's. Not sure how she skipped over the porn industry but hopefully she has more mainstream, feature films lined up. FYI, half the audience left after an hour or less so if you think I'm too Judge Judy, it was a collective opinion.
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TAKEN = EYE FOR AN EYE: THE DADDY VERSION!

Only few people know, but there was a jammin thriller from the 90's called 'Eye For An Eye' starring Sally Field as the mother of a raped/murdered teen daughter, out for vengance against the released rapist Kiefer Sutherland. The opening scene, at the birthday party, with the ice sculpture, and Sally's balloons while she's stuck in traffic (not her breasts, actual party balloons)...y'all know what i'm talkin' about. Very tense. Anyway, 'Taken' is like the modern day male version of 'Eye for an Eye'. It's good, short, sweet, action packed, sexy, dangerous, not so bad for a January thriller (since this is the time of year studios usually dump all their garbage in hope of some turnover). It is what it is, better than Hotel For Dogs or Mall Cop I'm sure.
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MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D = MY BORING SERIAL KILLER MINER IN 3D

The og MBV is still one of the scariest 80's slasher movies I've always loved but has never gotten much recognition. Y'all know I loves seeing any movie in 3D and, while this one is fun at times, I was still boooooored to death. They should hang canary cages in the theater to determine how boring this movie is so if the bird falls asleep you know you should get a refund or sneak into something else. Sure there's like a 15 minute scene of a fully naked chic running around but still, the rest is a yawn fest. They even manage to morph the main female lead into a full on, lesbianesque-flannel-wearing-Lohan-look-alike and I was still dying for it to END! While fun at some scenes, overall it's so boring I was hoping the killer miner would throw his pick into the projector and end our collective misery. 'Our' meaning me, the only person in the theater.

Welcome!

Welcome to Hooker's Heart of Gold!

Classy, trashy, hipster or ghetto, I'll be updating with my take on anything including movies, TV shows, music, gossip, web junk, videos, fashion, politics, news of the weird and current events. This is my free form commentary on all things old school, middle school, new school, futuristic-end-of-the-world-prophesies, race relations and shitty customer service sound-offs!

So if you like it, link a friend, sit back with a glass of Alize or White Zin+Vodka and get your swerve on! Expect updates 1 - 3 times a week, not every hour, cuz I still need my day job. Comment at will, and if i'm posting anything remotely NSFWish I will say so, even though my blog name is kinda afterhours-ish, it's your call.

xoxo
HHoG